You Won’t Believe What They’re Doing To Your Favorite Sport

You Won’t Believe What They’re Doing To Your Favorite Sport


ABOUT THE NEWS, I LIKE TALKING
ABOUT MOVIE STARS AND STUFF LIKE THAT, BUT I’VE GOT A SHOCK
ADMISSION. I LIKE TALKING ABOUT SPORTS, BUT
I’M NOT PARTICULARLY ATHLETIC. I’M MORE GRACEFUL. ( LAUGHTER )
I DIDN’T PLAY A LOT OF SPORTS WHEN I WAS YOUNGER. IN FACT, ON OUR FIRST DATE– AND
THIS IS A TRUE STORY– MY WIFE ASKED ME IF I PLAY ANY
SPORTS. I SAID, “I PLAY A FAIR AMOUNT OF
HACKY SACK.” AND YET, AND YET, SHE WENT ON A
SECOND DATE WITH ME. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT IS A KEEPER. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TA-PING. I STILL GOT IT. BUT I DO LIKE TO TALK ABOUT
SPORTS ON THE SHOW HERE. AND I WILL COVER EVERY SPORT
THAT I CAN SHOW WITHOUT GETTING SUED OVER LICENSING FEES, WHICH
UNFORTUNATELY DOESN’T LEAVE A LOT, MOSTLY FISH SOCCER AT THIS
POINT. THAT IS A RIDICULOUS SPORT. THEY NEVER SCORE THAT MUCH IN
REAL SOCCER. SO TONIGHT, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT
AMERICA’S FASTEST GROWING SPORT THAT INVOLVES SLIDING ROCKS ON
FROZEN WATER– CURLING. FROSTY CHESS! ICE ROAD SWEEPIN’! AND BROOM GOES THE DYNAMITE! NOW, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE
YET TO JOIN THE CURL-SQUAD, LEMME BREAK DOWN THE
COMPLEXITIES OF THE GAME: ONE PERSON THROWS A ROCK ACROSS
THE ICE WHILE TWO OTHERS RUB BROOMS IN FRONT OF IT, AND
YOU’RE ALL CAUGHT UP. BUT THAT COULD CHANGE NOW. YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE GRAPHIC
DEPICTIONS OF CANADIAN NEWS.>>FOR CENTURIES, THE
ESESPECIALLY OF CURLING HAS REMAINED THE SAME, BUT NEW
BROOMS COULD CHANGE THIS ANCIENT SPORT. THIS WEEK, 22 ELITE TEAMS
ANNOUNCED THEY REFUSE TO USE THEM.>>A CONTROVERSIAL PROTOTYPE CAN
PUT AN EXTREME CURL ON A ROCK USING A SO-CALLED DIRECTIONAL
FABRIC ON THE BRUSH.>>Stephen:
PERFORMANCE-ENHANCE BROOMS. THIS IS ONE SPORTS CONTROVERSY
YOU CAN’T JUST SWEEP UNDER THE RUG. I BRISTLE AT THE IDEA! I TRY TO BRUSH OFF THE
ALLEGATIONS ALL YOU WANT, BUT THIS SORT OF THING DOESN’T
HAPPEN IN A VACUUM! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS COULD BE THE BIGGEST CURLING SCANDAL SINCE THE
MINNESOTA STATE CHAMPIONS WERE CAUGHT PLAYING NOT DRUNK. ( LAUGHTER )
ACCORDING TO REPORTS THESE “ICEPAD” BROOMS REPEL WATER
BETTER, ALLOWING SWEEPERS TO CAREFULLY MANIPULATE THE ROCKS
“AS IF THEY WERE CONTROLLED BY JOYSTICKS.” IT’S AMAZING. THIS MEANS SOON CURLING MIGHT
TAKE AS MUCH ATHLETICISM AS PLAYING VIDEO GAMES. AND I’M ALL READY. ( APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) NO ONE SAW THIS COMING, BECAUSE
NO ONE WATCHES CURLING. BUT THESE BROOMS FIRST SWEPT TO
PROMINENCE ON THE CANADIAN VERSION OF “SHARK TANK,” CALLED
“DRAGON’S DEN.” BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS THERE ARE
NO SHARKS IN CANADA, BUT IT IS INFESTED WITH DRAGONS.>>THEY SHOWED OFF A SLICK DEMO.>>GOD, THAT’S GOOD.>>SUPER FAST.>>DO YOU SEE HOW LIGHT IT IS?>>LOVE IT!>>AND I DO HAVE REALLY GOOD
CONNECTIONS IN CURLING.>>VERY GOOD. WE’LL TAKE YOUR DEAL THEN.>>WITH THAT, THE ICEPAD SCORED
A ROCK SOLID INVESTMENT.>>Stephen: GETTING FINANCING
FOR A CURLING BROOM MIGHT SEEM LIKE A LONG SHOT — BUT
REMEMBER, THIS IS CANADIAN “SHARK TANK.” BUT MANY TRADITIONAL CURLERS ARE
CALLING FOUL, OR WHATEVER THEY CALL IT IN CURLING. WILLYNICKLE. I DON’T KNOW. ANYWAY, THESE GUYS DON’T LIKE
IT.>>SOME OF THE BROOMS THAT HAVE
BEEN MADE NOW, YOU WOULD BE ABLE NEVER HAVING CURLED IN YOUR LIFE
TO WALK OUT THERE AND HAVE A ROCK BACK UP FOUR FEET.>>IS THAT WHAT WE REALLY WANT
FOR THE TRUE INTEGRITY OF THE GAME?>>AT THE END OF THE DAY, THE
INTEGRITY OF THE GAME IS SOMETHING WE’RE TRYING TO
PROTECT.>>Stephen: I’M WITH GERRY
GUERTZ HERE, WHO I DON’T HAVE TO TELL YOU IS FROM THE WORLD CURL
TOUR. THE WORLD. THIS GUY IS CURLING IN
SUB-SAHARAN AFRICA. YOU KNOW HOW GOOD YOU HAVE TO BE
TO SLIDE SAY STONE IN NAMIBIA. GER SERIGHT, WITHOUT INTEGRITY,
THE NEXT TIME SOMEONE USING THE MANITOBA ROCK FOR A TAKEOUT IT
WILL BE MEANINGLESS. YOU CAN’T LETTURALLING BE
OVERTAKEN BY WHOEVER CAN AFFORD THE FANCIEST BROOM. THAT’S WHAT DESTROYED QUIDDITCH. DON’T BELIEVE ME,
ASK QUIDDITCH PLAYER CEDRIC DIGGORY. OH, YOU CAN’T BECAUSE HE’S DEAD! THINK ABOUT IT. I DIDN’T KILL HIM. AND I’M NOT ALONE. BECAUSE JUST THIS WEEK, THE
WORLD CURLING FEDERATION STEPPED IN AND BANNED ANY BROOMS USING
WATERPROOFED FABRIC AND “STIFFENING” INSERTS. NOW, I AGREE WITH THAT RULING,
THOUGH I’M NOT 100% SURE WHAT “STIFFENING INSERTS” DO. I’VE BEEN ASSURED I DON’T NEED
THEM. ( LAUGHTER )
THE POINT IS– THE POINT IS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HEY. THE POINT IS, I’M A CURLING
PURIST. AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED, IT’S
ALL GONE DOWNHILL EVER SINCE THEY STARTED PLAYING INDOORS. I PREFER THE ORIGINAL 16TH
CENTURY SCOTTISH RULES– JUST A GROUP OF GUYS ON A FROZEN POND,
HURLING FLAT-BOTTOMED RIVER STONES, THEN PROBABLY FALLING
THROUGH THE ICE. ( LAUGHTER )
WHOEVER DOESN’T DIE, WINS. NOW THAT’S A SPORT.

56 Replies to “You Won’t Believe What They’re Doing To Your Favorite Sport”

  1. Curling was invented when a Scot didn't want to do a gun duel with a person because of religious beliefs, so he challenged him to a game of hurling rocks on a frozen lake.

  2. Mr. T pitties the fool who doesn't love curling.

    http://www.cbc.ca/radio/asithappens/as-it-happens-friday-edition-1.4538952/controlled-mayhem-mr-t-talks-about-his-love-of-curling-on-as-it-happens-1.4539621

  3. Two things: One, no one will ever convince me that he didn't do this story only so he could make the broom jokes. Two, I can't stop thinking of Mrs. Colbert as Jessica Rabbit. "He makes me laugh" Bless her.

  4. Remember good old days when we had black president not Cheeto president? Didn't have to worry constantly what he would do or say.

  5. I cant believe I just spent like 6 minuets of my life on an “old” guy talking about a sport I don’t watch or even remembered was a thing

  6. This is really some hair raising news. You thought I'd say "hair curling", eh? Well, if you curl, this is still a joke. Canadians get it. 😉

  7. Curling was invented in Scotland in the 16th century. We play it in Canada purely for shits and giggles.

  8. only reason you have shark tank is bc dragons den came first in the UK. young us came up with another dumb title

  9. "I got a sport 4 u…metal shoes….and a stick with a broken end…AND… and its played on ice……with a flat ball!!" .. .Oooh sooo now its NOT funny!?? lol …I win!! 🙂 ITS A JOKE!!!! Stay calm! Love ice hockey by the way! 😉

  10. I absolutely LOVE curling! Born and bred in the USA, and discovered it 2010. Now I complain that the Olympics doesn't show full games! Curling is awesome!!!

  11. Those pictures of Team Ulsrud are breaking my heart all over again. #thanksforthememories #nolongertoolegittoquit #retirementcomesforusall

  12. Integrity- and-curling? What’s next ? A badass Jamaican curling team?-Lol 🤪wow no one will ever see this one coming! [yay Jamaica 🇯🇲!]

  13. Any country that finds a ‘sport’ like curling exciting is the country for me! I like nice. I like boring. I LOVE COLD. Full disclosure: I was born/raised on the shores of Lake Michigan & I’ve got the bone build of a musk ox. I’m a liberal of Dutch & French Huguenot descent. Been to Canada. Wanna live in Canada. Can’t. But it’s a nice daydream.

  14. Canada has lots of dinosaurs. They live in Jurassic Park. They only show themselves when the Raptor's come home

  15. Performance enhancing brooms are also what ruined Quiddich. Edit: I didn't know he was going to say that.

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