[Ding + clapping] Matt: Let’s smackdown guys!
We’re playing WWE Warzone. Ryan: It’s a wrestling game for the Nintendo 64.
And we’re joined today… … by … Matt: Just introduce him.
Ryan: [unenthused] Chriiis! Chris: [laughs] Why did you get so unconfident when you were doing my part?
[Ryan laughing] Chris: What’s wrong with you? [Southern accent] Hey ya’ll!
Matt: It’s Chris! Ryan: ‘Cause you’re mean, Chris.
Chris: I radiate unconfidence. Ryan: No, you’re just mean.
Chris: I’m sorry! Matt: I think all three of us are very unconfident people.
Chris: You literally held me down- -and fingered me right before this.
Ryan: Very true. Matt: We can create a player. Ryan: It’s ’cause you were talking back to me, Chris. Matt: Oh, what is this? There we go.
Chris: [Quietly] I didn’t deserve it. [Ryan laughing]
Ryan: Chris, it’s you! Matt: Chris, you have the honour, you’re the guest,
make the character. Chris: That’s literally…. pretty close already. Ryan: Just put some hair on it and it’s Chris.
[Matt giggling.] Chris: Where are the..
Matt: That’s gonna be you when you start balding, like, when your hair goes away?
[Ryan laughs] Chris: What?
Matt: No, you pressed create. Chris: No!
Ryan: [laughing] You pressed create, Chris! Chris: Okay, here goes nothing! Cool, I’m average- that’s not average. That’s bullshit.
Matt: That’s pretty fat. [Ryan bursts out laughing]
Matt: It’s me! He just dabbed. Chris: “I’m the albino Ethiopian!”
[laughs] Matt and Chris: Woah!
Chris: Holy shit. Matt: Wait, what’s ‘super heavyweight’? [Chris making noises.] Ryan: I think the skinny guy looks hilarious.
Chris: [As the wrestler] “Hello!” Matt: Oh, what the hell is this game.
Chris: “It’s time to fuck.” Matt: Is it just an image of a man’s face? [Chris making more wrestler/ape-like noises,
everyone bursts out laughing.] [“Hrrrg”] [“Hey!”] Chris: “Hello!”
Ryan: Is that Tom from Myspace? Chris: “I’m a good guy, I swear.” [Groan]
[Aggressive “VRR” sound] Matt: What the hell? Chris: Why did they like- they shot all these with bad lighting and different lighting. Ryan: It just looks like they pressed someone’s face against a scanner machine and like, put them in.
Chris: That’s the best one.
[Matt laughs] Chris: Oh, you can turn it up and down?
Matt: He doesn’t have ears! Chris: Oh, you can rotate him. [“Baaarp!”] Chris: So you- what’s this thing at the bottom here? Matt: I don’t know, it’s like-
Ryan: It’s the colour tone of you. Like you can choose to be black or white. Matt: He looks pretty good bald-
[Chris exclaims, Ryan laughs] Matt: That’s Hitler’s hair.
Ryan: No, dude! Chris: This is great! Ryan: Can we make, uh, Dan Schneider? Chris: Dan Schneider? Okay, Dan Schneider, coming up.
[Ryan laughs] Chris: That’s pretty close!
Matt: That’s pretty good.
Ryan: The Schneider. Ryan: Nope.
Chris: Ew. It looks like John Goodman. Ryan: No, it looks like, uh, Bam’s dad? Chris: [Laughs] Phil?
Matt: Oh, yeah, Phil Margera! I have never seen a better character customization thing in a game. Chris: They look so.. shit-like. It looks like feces.
[Ryan giggling] Ryan: Just smeared on his face?
Chris: Like, some of these just look like feces.. Chris: Look at that one.
Matt: Little ‘Dirty Sanchez’?
Chris: Mm. Matt: That’s when you get poo-poo on your upper lip, right?
Chris: This is pretty close to Dan I think. [Ryan laughs]
Matt: He’s missing a kid. [Chris and Ryan laugh]
Chris: [As Dan] “What are ya talking about?” Matt: Dan “Hold-her-tighter, she’s-a-fighter” Schneider?
[Chris laughing] Ryan: Have you heard of the
Dan “Hymen Collider” Schneider? Matt: Or
Dan “The Man With The Van” Schneider. [Chris laughing]
Ryan: So many nicknames out there. He’s like- he’s literally- he’s become like an internet sensation just for being like weird. And odd. Chris: What if he’s normal, and you guys are just like-
[Ryan starts laughing] Ryan: And ruining him.
Matt: I’d genuinely feel bad. Chris: Everything is perfect..
[Matt and Ryan agree] Chris: I’m gonna call him, “Dan Schneider”! Matt: [As Dan] “The kids can run that way, and they can run that way too.”
[Chris and Ryan laughing] Matt: “I gotta think about this.”
Chris: Holy shit. Aaaaah, there it is!
Matt: There it is, Dan Schneider. What’s his alias gonna be? We got Dan “The Van Man” Schneider.
Chris: Wa-oh! Chris: Ok, he’s super fast.
Ryan: So fuckin’ fast. Chris: He’s not very tough..
Ryan: No. Matt: You got 16..
Chris: Oh, dude, he’s got so much charisma! Matt: Oh, he’s a very charismatic man!
Chris: That’s it, that’s perfect! Matt: Drake & Josh!
Ryan: That’s him. Chris: Let’s wrassle.
Matt: Let’s wrestle! Matt: Alright. He’s been locked away in his vault. [chuckles] [Ryan and Chris laughing]
Matt: His cell? [laughs] He’s in solitary confinement.
Chris: Should we do some training? Matt: Ey, dude. Whatever you think would work best.
Chris: I think we should do a little training. [Ryan and Chris start laughing.]
Matt: That’s Stone Cold Steve Austin! Chris: He’s not that cold..
Shit! No, no! Dan! Matt: Fuck.
Chris: I didn’t know that was a menu! Ryan: Ah, fuck. Chris! Chris: Okay, we’ll train with Stone Cold for a second.
Matt: And then the grand finale, we’ll bust out Dan “The Van Man” Schneider. What are the controls?
Chris: I’m trying to figure that out. Ryan: What is going on?
Matt: What is happening? Matt: Oh, shit.
Chris: I did it, I win. Chris: [weakly] “Stop.”
[Matt laughs] “Stop it.” Ryan: There he is!
[all] The Van Man! Yeah! Chris: [As Ahmed] “I’m gonna kill Dan ‘The Man In The Van’ Schneider.” Matt: Ryan, you playing? You doing it?
Ryan: Yeah, I’m playing. [fighting chants] Chris: You can do it Dan!
Matt: You don’t know karate. Chris: Hey Dan, watch out!
[Chris screams, Ryan laughing loudly.] Ryan: Got ’em! [All laughing.]
Ryan: This is so stupid! Oh, I got him! -Oh Shit!
[Ryan laughing again] God damn it, Dan! Matt: Dan, get up!
Ryan: DAN GET UP! Matt: Get up! What are you doing-
Ryan: [Laughing] God damn it, Dan! Noo! DAAAN! Matt: He’s just given up!
[Everyone laughing] Ryan: [Laughing] He’s fuckin’- Get him! Chris: Dude!
Matt: Dude, he’s railing him! Matt: He’s railing him! Ryan: Fuck yeah!
Chris: Holy fuck! Chris: You killed him! Ryan: [Chuckling] C’mere you little.. Chris: Woah, dude.
Ryan: I got him! – [Yells] No!
Chris: How is he that strong?! Matt: Oh, man.
Ryan: He keeps stunning me! Stop it!
Chris: [As Ahmed] “I’m gonna fuck you up.” Matt: He’s giving him a kiss.
[Ryan and Matt laughing.] Ryan: God! [Cartoony clunk]
Ryan: Oh, come on! Let me stand up, you fucking-
[yelling] No, no, NO! NO, NO DAN!!
[Matt exclaiming, Chris screaming] DAN, GET THE FUCK UP! [Chris screaming “No!”, Ryan laughing] Dan, you fucking idiot! [Matt and Chris continue laughing]
What is he doing!? [All laughing loudly.] Ryan: I can’t!
Chris: He’s got you in the orange! Ryan: I’m rollin’!
Chris: Run outta there! Ryan: I’m backin’ up! He’s got me backed-
He’s got me backed into a corner! Chris: “I’m comin’ for ya, Dan!”
Ryan: Fuck! [Giggling] Matt: I have tears-
Ryan: NOO!! God! Chris: Shit.
Matt: I’m gonna throw up! Ryan: BOOM, I got him! Damn it! Chris: Dan.. Dan is stunned! [sputtering giggles] [Wet mouth noises] Chris: No, no, no.
Ryan: [Exasperated] He’s doing it again! Matt: No, now’s not a time to take a nap!
Ryan: Dan! Get the fuck up! He’s almost done, he’s almost done! Matt: Go, go, go!
Ryan: Yeah! [“Woo!” + Clapping] Ryan: Is he just-
Matt: Is he just gonna climb back down slowly now? Ryan: Is he getting out? What is he doing? Chris: “I’m scared of him!” [Ryan laughs]
Matt: He won?!
Chris: What? Matt: “Yeah, I won!”
Ryan: Total- No, he left the ring! That means I win. Matt: No, it said Ahmed won by a total blowout.
Ryan: Anybody else wanna try? [Loud cough] Matt: So- I guess I gotta grab a weapon? Ryan: Yeah.
Matt: A piece of toast? Is that a piece of toast? Ryan: Shit, shit.
Matt: I don’t know the controls! Matt: Do I use-
Chris: Dude he fucking nailed you! Ryan: Oh, yeah get him!
Chris: Holy shit. Matt: Woah! Chris: Woah!
Ryan: He threw you out! You’re stunned!
Matt: Dan, no! Dan, get up! Ryan: Dan!
Matt: Dan, get up! [All start laughing]
Ryan: [in disbelief] What the fuck! He just threw himself into your.. fuckin’ gooch! Matt: Oh, this is out of the ring. Get back in- no, no!
Ryan: That guy’s getting pinkeye, no matter what. Matt: I don’t know what the controls are. Ryan: There’s a move list, press start.
[Matt yelling] Matt: Wait wait wait. I gotta get outta this first.
[Chris making choking noises] Ryan: There ya go.
[Chris heaving] Chris: No moves!
Ryan: What?! Matt: Cause I’m supposed to get weapons, but I’m out of the ring. I can’t get weapons. Let me get in the ring! Just let me- – get back in the fucking ring.
Ryan: He doesn’t wanna get you. Matt: Fuck!
Ryan: Oh shit! Matt: “Ah! Let go!” “Uncle, uncle!”
Chris: “Oh no!” Ryan: They’re dancin’! [Cartoon ‘wallop’ sound effect]
[Everyone exclaims] Ryan: Damn! You fuckin’ knocked the shit out of him. Matt: No!
Ryan: Oh come on. Chris: Oh! You got a chair!
Ryan: How do you grab it?
Chris: Get it! Ryan: Trigger.
Chris: No, don’t trigger.
Matt: Is it trigger? Ryan: I don’t know. Matt: I don’t know how to pick it up, I pressed every button!
[Chris makes a gargling noise.] Put ‘im down! Ryan: He’s not even grabbing weapons. Matt: It’s weapons mode, guys, come on! Chris: Jesus.
Matt: Wow, he’s destroying me. Ryan: [Giggling] What is he doing?
Chris: He’s trying to get the kid out of you. [Ryan laughing louder] Ryan: Damn.
Chris: Smack him, quick! Chris: Woah! The chair fuckin’ went into the earth! Matt: I absorbed it’s nutrients and energy.
[Ryan laughing] If I play dead, he’ll stop attacking me.
It’s like a possum. Chris: Dan’s little brown nipples.
Ryan: [High pitched] “Whah” Matt: Could I get back in the fucking ring, please?
[High-pitch grunts.] Ryan: Dude, he just Bane-d him. Matt: O-ho! Got him right in his nuts! Got him again!
Ryan: Oof. Chris: [in a voice] “You’re meaner than Robert Downy Jr.” Matt: We saw him once, wearing a fedora. Ryan: [Laughing] Yeah.
Chris: He was like “Fedora’s are awesome, [Matt joins in]
Fedora’s are awesome!” Matt: That’s from Adam The Alien, Season 6.
[Ryan and Chris laughing] Chris: “Mine’s better!” Ryan: [Chuckling] It is though, it really is. How has no one won?!
Matt: I don’t know!
Ryan: It’s going to go on for ten minutes! I don’t wanna have this go on for ten minutes, Matt! Chris: Let him kill Dan and be done with it. [squeaky noises] Chris: “Kill me”
Ryan: God damn it.
Chris: “Put me out of my misery.” “I promise to never do it again.”
[Ryan and Matt laugh] Chris: [As other wrestler]
“I don’t believe you, Dan! You’re out!” Matt: We’re done with that.
Ryan: Yeah. Yeah. Matt: No one’s winning that match.
Ryan: That’s enough. Matt: Alright, we’re about to go head-to-head with some co-op, so we’re gonna make a new character real quick. Ryan: Make a black guy this time, Chris!
Chris: [Jokingly] Ew! Chris: [Laughs] Look at that one!
[Grunts] Chris: What’s this middle thing-
What’s the point in this slider if it doesn’t make it brighter? Matt: Dan “The Slider Doesn’t Make It Any Brighter” Schneider. Chris: [Soft voice] Damn! Haha ha ha ha.
Matt: [Similar voice] Back at it again with the big boots! Chris: The big boots! Back at it again. Matt: The first time I heard you say that, I teared up with laughter. ‘Cause I laughed so hard.
Chris: Oh, there we go, boots. “Back at it again with the big boots.” Ryan: What’s his name gonna be?
Matt: That’s our boy! What’s his name gonna be? Chris: Uh. Matt and Ryan: “The Tan Man”?
[Laughing] Chris: Okay I’m done.
Ryan: Perfect! Everyone grab a controller. Matt: Chris, get a controller.
Chris: Where’s the cunt-roller? Matt: Alright, we’re doing 3-player! Um. Ryan: I’ll be ‘The Van Man’. Ryan: I like The Van Man.
Matt: Uh, Chris, you wanna be The Tan Man? Chris: I wanna be the Tan- I wanna be The Van Man, too! Matt: Okay, I’ll be The Tan Man, and Chris, you be
The Van Man. Chris: Okay.
Matt: Oh, yeah and him. Matt: He’s just thrown in there.
[Ryan and Chris laughing] Ryan: Woo!
Chris: Multi-man melee!
Matt: It’s fuckin’ Warzone. Matt: You guys are gonna get so confused. Chris: Nuh-uh. Matt: Alright, here we go. Chris: Okay, I know which one I am, fuck you.
Ryan: Get outta my way! Chris: Let’s kick the shit outta Kane.
[Ryan grunting] Matt: Who am I fighting?
Ryan: I think I’m the one fighting Kane. Chris: What? No you’re not.
I’m fighting Kane. Ryan: Oh- nevermind! I’m fighting Matt!
[Matt growling] Ryan: C’mere you little-
Chris: Dude, I’m kicking the shit outta Kane, dude! Matt: I’m kicking your ass.
Chris: Fuck you! Matt: Can we just ignore Kane and fight each other? Ryan: Ohhh daaamn!
Chris: Fuck you, Kane! Matt: I look like a little Somali Pirate.
[Ryan laughing] Chris: Kane just beat the shit out of me. Chris: Stop!
Ryan: Holy shit. [cow-bell thunk] Matt: I got’cha right in the nuts!
Ryan: This is just a clusterfuck. Chris: Right in the nuts.
Ryan: Stop kicking me! [Matt laughing] Ryan: There! Take that.
Matt: Stop- oh, fuck. [Ryan grunting] Ryan: Yeah-heh-heah! Look at me!
[Matt shouting] Chris! Are you proud of me?
Chris: I’m just button-mashing on Kane. Matt: Hey- Ryan- I’m- Let’s- Truce, truce?
[Ryan panting] Let’s go kick Chris’ ass. Chris: Noo! What the fuck, leave me be.
Matt: You killed me, dude! I’m dead! Chris: I just-
Ryan: I just jumped out the fucking thing. Matt: Ryan, get back in the ring.
Ryan: What am I doing?
Matt: Get back in the ring, dude. Ryan: Where’s the tornado?
Chris: Fuck you Tan Man [grunts] Matt: Chris, I’ll help you take him on. Stop- I’m not trying to fight you.
Ryan: I’m still out of the ring. Chris: Kane’s killing me!
[Ryan laughs] Ryan: Oh no!
I gotta come help him. Matt: I’m trying to help him myself.
Ryan: How do I get up? I can’t get back up, I don’t know how to get back up. Matt: You’re stuck down there,
Dan can’t climb. Ryan: I- Why are they booing?! Chris: Cause you suck.
Ryan: Oh, I caught you! Matt: You pulled me outta the ring. Ryan: Damn it, no!
Matt: You asshole. Chris: [quietly] What is happening?
Ryan: Ah, fucker. Chris: Ah, he’s killing me again.
[Ryan laughing] Ryan: He’s got you spread, Chris.
[Chris yelling “NO!”] Look at him!
He’s fucking Chris! He’s fuckin’ him. Matt: Oh, shit. Matt: Oh! Dude, I am destroying you right now, Ryan.
Ryan: Oh- I haven’t even been paying attention. Matt: I know, that’s why! Chris: I don’t like Kane in here.
Matt: You’re getting beaten up by this small Somali man. [Ryan laughing]
Chris: No, Kane’s gonna- No! Ryan: This is- Oh, damn!
Matt: Wait, where are we? Ryan: It’s goin’ on.
Matt: Oh- cause Kane’s kicking his ass. Chris: [Defeatedly] “He’s fuckin me.” Ryan: He’s really- [laughing]
Matt: Oh, right there, right there. Chris: “Look, I’m uh, the Tan Man.”
Matt: Did we die, Ryan? Ryan: I think we just got- we’re outta the ring and we got disqualified. Matt: Are we gone?
Chris: “I stink.” Ryan: Oh, damn!
Holy shit. Chris: Ah, he’s doing it again.
Ryan: Do we have to wait until the end of these 12 minutes to find out the winner? Matt: No, no, one of you guys is gonna win. Chris: What’s he- What’s he-
Fuck you, then! Ryan: Holy shit!
Chris: What’s he doin?! No! [All laughing loudly] Ryan: He just sat you up there!
Matt: Like a baby! Chris: Why are you doing that?!
[Ryan laughing] Matt: Dan’s like “I need a second, let me just sit up there.”
Ryan: What the fuck is he doing?! [Ryan guffaws] Chris: “Bam!”
I’m just gonna keep doing this. Ryan: [As Dan] “Do you know who I am?
I created the most popular TV shows on Nickelodeon!” Matt: [quietly] “I’m Dan Schneider!” Chris: Oh, I fuckin’ knocked him out, dude. Matt: Wow. Wow.
[Chris and Ryan laughing] Chris: Kill him dude, kill him!
Ryan: Get him! Chris: Ger-der-der.
Ryan: Dude no! Yeees! Chris, you’re kicking his ass!
Chris: [Rough-baby sounding voice] “I’m Dan Schneider.” Matt: I see how it works, they got health bars. Right?
Ryan: Yeah, but then it goes all the way down- Stun him. Matt: Stun him, dude!
There you go. Ryan: Keep him down.
Matt: Now get him, beat the shit out of him. Chris: [intense wrestling noises] Ryan: Aw, yeah!
[Chris continuing] Ryan: Why does he keep regenerating health?
Matt: I don’t know. Chris: It’s the system, we’re not-
We didn’t learn how the game works! It’s our own fault.
Ryan: Are we supposed to pin people in wrestling? Chris: [in an accent] “I’m going to pin him, alright.” [Thunk] Ryan: Ow- He just kicked you in the nuts!
Matt: Did you hear the sound effect? Chris: Oh, he’s fucking killing me again!
Matt: Oh, my god. Chris: Oh no, the Van Man…
Matt: Get it over with! Just kill him already!
Ryan: Oh shit, he’s pinning you. [Chris screaming]
Matt: “Hey, it’s nothing personal.” [in-game count of ‘3’] Ryan: Oh, damn.
Matt: Oh wow, did he just defeat you? Chris: Dude. Kane’s pretty good, dude.
Ryan: “The Tan Man and Kane win” Oh, you winned!
Matt: Oh, uh, yeah! Chris: Fuck you Matt!
Ryan: The team wins. Matt: But where did- why did I disappear? Ryan: Wait. Both the Dans lost?! Matt: Wow.
Ryan: What a way to end it. Matt: Wow, guys.
Well that was, uh, WWE- [Rumble-y fart noise] Ryan: [Snickering] Thanks, Chris.
Did you just shit your pants? Chris: [Wavering] No?