WRESTLING 64

WRESTLING 64


[Ding + clapping] Matt: Let’s smackdown guys!
We’re playing WWE Warzone. Ryan: It’s a wrestling game for the Nintendo 64.
And we’re joined today… … by … Matt: Just introduce him.
Ryan: [unenthused] Chriiis! Chris: [laughs] Why did you get so unconfident when you were doing my part?
[Ryan laughing] Chris: What’s wrong with you? [Southern accent] Hey ya’ll!
Matt: It’s Chris! Ryan: ‘Cause you’re mean, Chris.
Chris: I radiate unconfidence. Ryan: No, you’re just mean.
Chris: I’m sorry! Matt: I think all three of us are very unconfident people.
Chris: You literally held me down- -and fingered me right before this.
Ryan: Very true. Matt: We can create a player. Ryan: It’s ’cause you were talking back to me, Chris. Matt: Oh, what is this? There we go.
Chris: [Quietly] I didn’t deserve it. [Ryan laughing]
Ryan: Chris, it’s you! Matt: Chris, you have the honour, you’re the guest,
make the character. Chris: That’s literally…. pretty close already. Ryan: Just put some hair on it and it’s Chris.
[Matt giggling.] Chris: Where are the..
Matt: That’s gonna be you when you start balding, like, when your hair goes away?
[Ryan laughs] Chris: What?
Matt: No, you pressed create. Chris: No!
Ryan: [laughing] You pressed create, Chris! Chris: Okay, here goes nothing! Cool, I’m average- that’s not average. That’s bullshit.
Matt: That’s pretty fat. [Ryan bursts out laughing]
Matt: It’s me! He just dabbed. Chris: “I’m the albino Ethiopian!”
[laughs] Matt and Chris: Woah!
Chris: Holy shit. Matt: Wait, what’s ‘super heavyweight’? [Chris making noises.] Ryan: I think the skinny guy looks hilarious.
Chris: [As the wrestler] “Hello!” Matt: Oh, what the hell is this game.
Chris: “It’s time to fuck.” Matt: Is it just an image of a man’s face? [Chris making more wrestler/ape-like noises,
everyone bursts out laughing.] [“Hrrrg”] [“Hey!”] Chris: “Hello!”
Ryan: Is that Tom from Myspace? Chris: “I’m a good guy, I swear.” [Groan]
[Aggressive “VRR” sound] Matt: What the hell? Chris: Why did they like- they shot all these with bad lighting and different lighting. Ryan: It just looks like they pressed someone’s face against a scanner machine and like, put them in.
Chris: That’s the best one.
[Matt laughs] Chris: Oh, you can turn it up and down?
Matt: He doesn’t have ears! Chris: Oh, you can rotate him. [“Baaarp!”] Chris: So you- what’s this thing at the bottom here? Matt: I don’t know, it’s like-
Ryan: It’s the colour tone of you. Like you can choose to be black or white. Matt: He looks pretty good bald-
[Chris exclaims, Ryan laughs] Matt: That’s Hitler’s hair.
Ryan: No, dude! Chris: This is great! Ryan: Can we make, uh, Dan Schneider? Chris: Dan Schneider? Okay, Dan Schneider, coming up.
[Ryan laughs] Chris: That’s pretty close!
Matt: That’s pretty good.
Ryan: The Schneider. Ryan: Nope.
Chris: Ew. It looks like John Goodman. Ryan: No, it looks like, uh, Bam’s dad? Chris: [Laughs] Phil?
Matt: Oh, yeah, Phil Margera! I have never seen a better character customization thing in a game. Chris: They look so.. shit-like. It looks like feces.
[Ryan giggling] Ryan: Just smeared on his face?
Chris: Like, some of these just look like feces.. Chris: Look at that one.
Matt: Little ‘Dirty Sanchez’?
Chris: Mm. Matt: That’s when you get poo-poo on your upper lip, right?
Chris: This is pretty close to Dan I think. [Ryan laughs]
Matt: He’s missing a kid. [Chris and Ryan laugh]
Chris: [As Dan] “What are ya talking about?” Matt: Dan “Hold-her-tighter, she’s-a-fighter” Schneider?
[Chris laughing] Ryan: Have you heard of the
Dan “Hymen Collider” Schneider? Matt: Or
Dan “The Man With The Van” Schneider. [Chris laughing]
Ryan: So many nicknames out there. He’s like- he’s literally- he’s become like an internet sensation just for being like weird. And odd. Chris: What if he’s normal, and you guys are just like-
[Ryan starts laughing] Ryan: And ruining him.
Matt: I’d genuinely feel bad. Chris: Everything is perfect..
[Matt and Ryan agree] Chris: I’m gonna call him, “Dan Schneider”! Matt: [As Dan] “The kids can run that way, and they can run that way too.”
[Chris and Ryan laughing] Matt: “I gotta think about this.”
Chris: Holy shit. Aaaaah, there it is!
Matt: There it is, Dan Schneider. What’s his alias gonna be? We got Dan “The Van Man” Schneider.
Chris: Wa-oh! Chris: Ok, he’s super fast.
Ryan: So fuckin’ fast. Chris: He’s not very tough..
Ryan: No. Matt: You got 16..
Chris: Oh, dude, he’s got so much charisma! Matt: Oh, he’s a very charismatic man!
Chris: That’s it, that’s perfect! Matt: Drake & Josh!
Ryan: That’s him. Chris: Let’s wrassle.
Matt: Let’s wrestle! Matt: Alright. He’s been locked away in his vault. [chuckles] [Ryan and Chris laughing]
Matt: His cell? [laughs] He’s in solitary confinement.
Chris: Should we do some training? Matt: Ey, dude. Whatever you think would work best.
Chris: I think we should do a little training. [Ryan and Chris start laughing.]
Matt: That’s Stone Cold Steve Austin! Chris: He’s not that cold..
Shit! No, no! Dan! Matt: Fuck.
Chris: I didn’t know that was a menu! Ryan: Ah, fuck. Chris! Chris: Okay, we’ll train with Stone Cold for a second.
Matt: And then the grand finale, we’ll bust out Dan “The Van Man” Schneider. What are the controls?
Chris: I’m trying to figure that out. Ryan: What is going on?
Matt: What is happening? Matt: Oh, shit.
Chris: I did it, I win. Chris: [weakly] “Stop.”
[Matt laughs] “Stop it.” Ryan: There he is!
[all] The Van Man! Yeah! Chris: [As Ahmed] “I’m gonna kill Dan ‘The Man In The Van’ Schneider.” Matt: Ryan, you playing? You doing it?
Ryan: Yeah, I’m playing. [fighting chants] Chris: You can do it Dan!
Matt: You don’t know karate. Chris: Hey Dan, watch out!
[Chris screams, Ryan laughing loudly.] Ryan: Got ’em! [All laughing.]
Ryan: This is so stupid! Oh, I got him! -Oh Shit!
[Ryan laughing again] God damn it, Dan! Matt: Dan, get up!
Ryan: DAN GET UP! Matt: Get up! What are you doing-
Ryan: [Laughing] God damn it, Dan! Noo! DAAAN! Matt: He’s just given up!
[Everyone laughing] Ryan: [Laughing] He’s fuckin’- Get him! Chris: Dude!
Matt: Dude, he’s railing him! Matt: He’s railing him! Ryan: Fuck yeah!
Chris: Holy fuck! Chris: You killed him! Ryan: [Chuckling] C’mere you little.. Chris: Woah, dude.
Ryan: I got him! – [Yells] No!
Chris: How is he that strong?! Matt: Oh, man.
Ryan: He keeps stunning me! Stop it!
Chris: [As Ahmed] “I’m gonna fuck you up.” Matt: He’s giving him a kiss.
[Ryan and Matt laughing.] Ryan: God! [Cartoony clunk]
Ryan: Oh, come on! Let me stand up, you fucking-
[yelling] No, no, NO! NO, NO DAN!!
[Matt exclaiming, Chris screaming] DAN, GET THE FUCK UP! [Chris screaming “No!”, Ryan laughing] Dan, you fucking idiot! [Matt and Chris continue laughing]
What is he doing!? [All laughing loudly.] Ryan: I can’t!
Chris: He’s got you in the orange! Ryan: I’m rollin’!
Chris: Run outta there! Ryan: I’m backin’ up! He’s got me backed-
He’s got me backed into a corner! Chris: “I’m comin’ for ya, Dan!”
Ryan: Fuck! [Giggling] Matt: I have tears-
Ryan: NOO!! God! Chris: Shit.
Matt: I’m gonna throw up! Ryan: BOOM, I got him! Damn it! Chris: Dan.. Dan is stunned! [sputtering giggles] [Wet mouth noises] Chris: No, no, no.
Ryan: [Exasperated] He’s doing it again! Matt: No, now’s not a time to take a nap!
Ryan: Dan! Get the fuck up! He’s almost done, he’s almost done! Matt: Go, go, go!
Ryan: Yeah! [“Woo!” + Clapping] Ryan: Is he just-
Matt: Is he just gonna climb back down slowly now? Ryan: Is he getting out? What is he doing? Chris: “I’m scared of him!” [Ryan laughs]
Matt: He won?!
Chris: What? Matt: “Yeah, I won!”
Ryan: Total- No, he left the ring! That means I win. Matt: No, it said Ahmed won by a total blowout.
Ryan: Anybody else wanna try? [Loud cough] Matt: So- I guess I gotta grab a weapon? Ryan: Yeah.
Matt: A piece of toast? Is that a piece of toast? Ryan: Shit, shit.
Matt: I don’t know the controls! Matt: Do I use-
Chris: Dude he fucking nailed you! Ryan: Oh, yeah get him!
Chris: Holy shit. Matt: Woah! Chris: Woah!
Ryan: He threw you out! You’re stunned!
Matt: Dan, no! Dan, get up! Ryan: Dan!
Matt: Dan, get up! [All start laughing]
Ryan: [in disbelief] What the fuck! He just threw himself into your.. fuckin’ gooch! Matt: Oh, this is out of the ring. Get back in- no, no!
Ryan: That guy’s getting pinkeye, no matter what. Matt: I don’t know what the controls are. Ryan: There’s a move list, press start.
[Matt yelling] Matt: Wait wait wait. I gotta get outta this first.
[Chris making choking noises] Ryan: There ya go.
[Chris heaving] Chris: No moves!
Ryan: What?! Matt: Cause I’m supposed to get weapons, but I’m out of the ring. I can’t get weapons. Let me get in the ring! Just let me- – get back in the fucking ring.
Ryan: He doesn’t wanna get you. Matt: Fuck!
Ryan: Oh shit! Matt: “Ah! Let go!” “Uncle, uncle!”
[Ryan laughing]
Chris: “Oh no!” Ryan: They’re dancin’! [Cartoon ‘wallop’ sound effect]
[Everyone exclaims] Ryan: Damn! You fuckin’ knocked the shit out of him. Matt: No!
Ryan: Oh come on. Chris: Oh! You got a chair!
Ryan: How do you grab it?
Chris: Get it! Ryan: Trigger.
Chris: No, don’t trigger.
Matt: Is it trigger? Ryan: I don’t know. Matt: I don’t know how to pick it up, I pressed every button!
[Chris makes a gargling noise.] Put ‘im down! Ryan: He’s not even grabbing weapons. Matt: It’s weapons mode, guys, come on! Chris: Jesus.
Matt: Wow, he’s destroying me. Ryan: [Giggling] What is he doing?
Chris: He’s trying to get the kid out of you. [Ryan laughing louder] Ryan: Damn.
Chris: Smack him, quick! Chris: Woah! The chair fuckin’ went into the earth! Matt: I absorbed it’s nutrients and energy.
[Ryan laughing] If I play dead, he’ll stop attacking me.
It’s like a possum. Chris: Dan’s little brown nipples.
Ryan: [High pitched] “Whah” Matt: Could I get back in the fucking ring, please?
[High-pitch grunts.] Ryan: Dude, he just Bane-d him. Matt: O-ho! Got him right in his nuts! Got him again!
Ryan: Oof. Chris: [in a voice] “You’re meaner than Robert Downy Jr.” Matt: We saw him once, wearing a fedora. Ryan: [Laughing] Yeah.
Chris: He was like “Fedora’s are awesome, [Matt joins in]
Fedora’s are awesome!” Matt: That’s from Adam The Alien, Season 6.
[Ryan and Chris laughing] Chris: “Mine’s better!” Ryan: [Chuckling] It is though, it really is. How has no one won?!
Matt: I don’t know!
Ryan: It’s going to go on for ten minutes! I don’t wanna have this go on for ten minutes, Matt! Chris: Let him kill Dan and be done with it. [squeaky noises] Chris: “Kill me”
Ryan: God damn it.
Chris: “Put me out of my misery.” “I promise to never do it again.”
[Ryan and Matt laugh] Chris: [As other wrestler]
“I don’t believe you, Dan! You’re out!” Matt: We’re done with that.
Ryan: Yeah. Yeah. Matt: No one’s winning that match.
Ryan: That’s enough. Matt: Alright, we’re about to go head-to-head with some co-op, so we’re gonna make a new character real quick. Ryan: Make a black guy this time, Chris!
Chris: [Jokingly] Ew! Chris: [Laughs] Look at that one!
[Grunts] Chris: What’s this middle thing-
What’s the point in this slider if it doesn’t make it brighter? Matt: Dan “The Slider Doesn’t Make It Any Brighter” Schneider. Chris: [Soft voice] Damn! Haha ha ha ha.
Matt: [Similar voice] Back at it again with the big boots! Chris: The big boots! Back at it again. Matt: The first time I heard you say that, I teared up with laughter. ‘Cause I laughed so hard.
Chris: Oh, there we go, boots. “Back at it again with the big boots.” Ryan: What’s his name gonna be?
Matt: That’s our boy! What’s his name gonna be? Chris: Uh. Matt and Ryan: “The Tan Man”?
[Laughing] Chris: Okay I’m done.
Ryan: Perfect! Everyone grab a controller. Matt: Chris, get a controller.
Chris: Where’s the cunt-roller? Matt: Alright, we’re doing 3-player! Um. Ryan: I’ll be ‘The Van Man’. Ryan: I like The Van Man.
Matt: Uh, Chris, you wanna be The Tan Man? Chris: I wanna be the Tan- I wanna be The Van Man, too! Matt: Okay, I’ll be The Tan Man, and Chris, you be
The Van Man. Chris: Okay.
Matt: Oh, yeah and him. Matt: He’s just thrown in there.
[Ryan and Chris laughing] Ryan: Woo!
Chris: Multi-man melee!
Matt: It’s fuckin’ Warzone. Matt: You guys are gonna get so confused. Chris: Nuh-uh. Matt: Alright, here we go. Chris: Okay, I know which one I am, fuck you.
Ryan: Get outta my way! Chris: Let’s kick the shit outta Kane.
[Ryan grunting] Matt: Who am I fighting?
Ryan: I think I’m the one fighting Kane. Chris: What? No you’re not.
I’m fighting Kane. Ryan: Oh- nevermind! I’m fighting Matt!
[Matt growling] Ryan: C’mere you little-
Chris: Dude, I’m kicking the shit outta Kane, dude! Matt: I’m kicking your ass.
Chris: Fuck you! Matt: Can we just ignore Kane and fight each other? Ryan: Ohhh daaamn!
Chris: Fuck you, Kane! Matt: I look like a little Somali Pirate.
[Ryan laughing] Chris: Kane just beat the shit out of me. Chris: Stop!
Ryan: Holy shit. [cow-bell thunk] Matt: I got’cha right in the nuts!
Ryan: This is just a clusterfuck. Chris: Right in the nuts.
Ryan: Stop kicking me! [Matt laughing] Ryan: There! Take that.
Matt: Stop- oh, fuck. [Ryan grunting] Ryan: Yeah-heh-heah! Look at me!
[Matt shouting] Chris! Are you proud of me?
Chris: I’m just button-mashing on Kane. Matt: Hey- Ryan- I’m- Let’s- Truce, truce?
[Ryan panting] Let’s go kick Chris’ ass. Chris: Noo! What the fuck, leave me be.
Matt: You killed me, dude! I’m dead! Chris: I just-
Ryan: I just jumped out the fucking thing. Matt: Ryan, get back in the ring.
Ryan: What am I doing?
Matt: Get back in the ring, dude. Ryan: Where’s the tornado?
Chris: Fuck you Tan Man [grunts] Matt: Chris, I’ll help you take him on. Stop- I’m not trying to fight you.
Ryan: I’m still out of the ring. Chris: Kane’s killing me!
[Ryan laughs] Ryan: Oh no!
I gotta come help him. Matt: I’m trying to help him myself.
Ryan: How do I get up? I can’t get back up, I don’t know how to get back up. Matt: You’re stuck down there,
Dan can’t climb. Ryan: I- Why are they booing?! Chris: Cause you suck.
Ryan: Oh, I caught you! Matt: You pulled me outta the ring. Ryan: Damn it, no!
Matt: You asshole. Chris: [quietly] What is happening?
Ryan: Ah, fucker. Chris: Ah, he’s killing me again.
[Ryan laughing] Ryan: He’s got you spread, Chris.
[Chris yelling “NO!”] Look at him!
He’s fucking Chris! He’s fuckin’ him. Matt: Oh, shit. Matt: Oh! Dude, I am destroying you right now, Ryan.
Ryan: Oh- I haven’t even been paying attention. Matt: I know, that’s why! Chris: I don’t like Kane in here.
Matt: You’re getting beaten up by this small Somali man. [Ryan laughing]
Chris: No, Kane’s gonna- No! Ryan: This is- Oh, damn!
Matt: Wait, where are we? Ryan: It’s goin’ on.
Matt: Oh- cause Kane’s kicking his ass. Chris: [Defeatedly] “He’s fuckin me.” Ryan: He’s really- [laughing]
Matt: Oh, right there, right there. Chris: “Look, I’m uh, the Tan Man.”
Matt: Did we die, Ryan? Ryan: I think we just got- we’re outta the ring and we got disqualified. Matt: Are we gone?
Ryan: Yeah.
Chris: “I stink.” Ryan: Oh, damn!
Holy shit. Chris: Ah, he’s doing it again.
Ryan: Do we have to wait until the end of these 12 minutes to find out the winner? Matt: No, no, one of you guys is gonna win. Chris: What’s he- What’s he-
Fuck you, then! Ryan: Holy shit!
Chris: What’s he doin?! No! [All laughing loudly] Ryan: He just sat you up there!
Matt: Like a baby! Chris: Why are you doing that?!
[Ryan laughing] Matt: Dan’s like “I need a second, let me just sit up there.”
Ryan: What the fuck is he doing?! [Ryan guffaws] Chris: “Bam!”
I’m just gonna keep doing this. Ryan: [As Dan] “Do you know who I am?
I created the most popular TV shows on Nickelodeon!” Matt: [quietly] “I’m Dan Schneider!” Chris: Oh, I fuckin’ knocked him out, dude. Matt: Wow. Wow.
[Chris and Ryan laughing] Chris: Kill him dude, kill him!
Ryan: Get him! Chris: Ger-der-der.
Ryan: Dude no! Yeees! Chris, you’re kicking his ass!
Chris: [Rough-baby sounding voice] “I’m Dan Schneider.” Matt: I see how it works, they got health bars. Right?
Ryan: Yeah, but then it goes all the way down- Stun him. Matt: Stun him, dude!
There you go. Ryan: Keep him down.
Matt: Now get him, beat the shit out of him. Chris: [intense wrestling noises] Ryan: Aw, yeah!
[Chris continuing] Ryan: Why does he keep regenerating health?
Matt: I don’t know. Chris: It’s the system, we’re not-
We didn’t learn how the game works! It’s our own fault.
Ryan: Are we supposed to pin people in wrestling? Chris: [in an accent] “I’m going to pin him, alright.” [Thunk] Ryan: Ow- He just kicked you in the nuts!
Matt: Did you hear the sound effect? Chris: Oh, he’s fucking killing me again!
Matt: Oh, my god. Chris: Oh no, the Van Man…
Matt: Get it over with! Just kill him already!
Ryan: Oh shit, he’s pinning you. [Chris screaming]
Matt: “Hey, it’s nothing personal.” [in-game count of ‘3’] Ryan: Oh, damn.
Matt: Oh wow, did he just defeat you? Chris: Dude. Kane’s pretty good, dude.
Ryan: “The Tan Man and Kane win” Oh, you winned!
Matt: Oh, uh, yeah! Chris: Fuck you Matt!
Ryan: The team wins. Matt: But where did- why did I disappear? Ryan: Wait. Both the Dans lost?! Matt: Wow.
Ryan: What a way to end it. Matt: Wow, guys.
Well that was, uh, WWE- [Rumble-y fart noise] Ryan: [Snickering] Thanks, Chris.
Did you just shit your pants? Chris: [Wavering] No?

100 Replies to “WRESTLING 64”

  1. Dan is actually a genuine pedophile. There's a bunch of shit popping up lately about it, I won't say much but I WILL say.. dudes got a thing for young girls.. and their feet.

  2. THE MEME IS FUCKING REAL.
    SUPERMEGA, WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO BECOME THE NOSTRADUMBASSES OF OUR TIME?!

  3. Its both sad but satisfying to see them not able to play one of the best wrestling games ever.

  4. As a wrestling fan I can personally say that dan Schneider vs Ahmed Johnson is a 5 star match and should win every award

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