Matt: Are we gonna bowl, or what, Ryan? Ryan: Let’s fucking bowl Matt: Let’s bowl, let’s bowl dude Matt: “Why not take a break?” Stop telling me how to take a break it’s Wii Sports Jesus Christ Ryan: [Yawning] Matt: There I am, got my family here, got my friends here Matt: There’s my mom, there’s my dad Ryan:I didn’t choose my character Matt: ‘Cause it’s only- There’s only two Miis! Ryan: Whatever Matt: Alright. you ready for this?
Ryan: Yeah Matt: Alright Matt: Okay Matt: I don’t remember the secret anymore, I’m fucked
Ryan: Wait, really? Matt: I totally forgot it Matt: Trial and error, okay here we go Ryan: I have to stand up for bowling
Matt: Hyuh! Matt: Come on baby, come on!
Ryan: There you go! Matt: YEAH!
Matt: Oh, almost! Ryan: You- You get a split Matt: That’s 9 pins Ryan: Aim for that, you’re gonna get a fucking split
Matt: Okay Matt: I’m gonna get a fresh banana split, baby! Matt: Oh, oh! Ryan: Dayum!
Matt: Yeah! Ah! Yes!
Ryan: There you go! Ryan: I actually do need to stand up for this… Ah Matt: Alright Ryan Matt: Hmm… Looks like someone’s a little rusty Ryan: [Laughs] Matt: Try- Try, try, try again dude Matt: Let’s see Ryan: Pff!
Ryan: Yeayuh! Matt:That’s my favorite and least favorite shit at the same time Matt: Alright
Ryan: Here you go Matt: [Sigh] Alright, I’m just gonna have a little… Matt: [sexual moaning sound] Ryan: If you hit me in the face… Matt: It- It might happen
Ryan: I will fucking kill you Matt: Ryan, come on… We’re friends here
Ryan: I’ll hit you back! Matt: All I-
Ryan: I have to hit you back to make it even Matt: An eye for an eye only makes the world blind, buddy Matt: Huah! Matt: Come on, come on… YES! Game: Nice spare!
Matt: YES! Ryan: I’m finally winning!
Matt: YEA- [cut off] Matt: Throw that ball, baby Matt: Ooh
Matt: Ooh, that’s a split Ryan: Wow, what a testament
Matt: That is a split Ryan: That’s not a split, you’re a split Matt: I can- I can do a split Ryan: Can you?
Matt: [Laughing] No Matt: You going for that? Ryan: Yeah Ryan: Come on!
Matt: That was dead center, good job Matt: People were booing!
Ryan: Why? Matt: That’s so mean!
Ryan: I’m not doing poorly Ryan: Yeah…
Matt: No, you are not- You are not doing poorly Ryan Ryan: Watch your arm, dude
Matt: I’m- I’m gonna hit you, by accident Ryan: I’m gonna move away
Matt: Yeah, move away Matt: ‘Kay, I think- I think this- I think that- that… Matt: Whoa! Ryan: Damn…
Matt: Damn, dude! Matt: Alright
Ryan: Daaamn Matt: Damn, Daniel! [Laugh track] Matt: Back at it again with the white Vans! Ryan: Why can’t you get a strike? Matt: I don’t know, every time I- I get a fucking spare Ryan: I thought you were good Matt: Man I am good, watch this Matt: Huah! Ryan: Booyaaaah!
Matt: Braaap braaap! Ryan: You could get shot if you do that in public, Matt
Matt: No Matt: Watch me Ryan: Whip Ryan: Okay here we go Matt: Let’s see it, Ryan!
Ryan: It’s Ryan’s time to shine Matt: Ryan Magee! Ryan: Move back, I’m gonna hit you in the nuts! Matt: No you’re not Ryan: I should’ve just done it for the comedic effect, but Matt: Ooh! Ryan: Yay!
Matt: Alright! Matt: Ryan, you- you knock it out of the park with this one Ryan: There you go! Matt: Yes! Matt: Ryan, I’m proud of you! Ryan: LeBron Jaaames!
Matt: High five, baby Matt: Ow, fuck!
Ryan: I’m sorry Matt: I- I don’t know why that hurt so bad Ryan: You know when you give someone a high five and they accidentally like, push your thumb back? Matt: Oh, that’s the worst Matt: B… And swing! Uh! Matt: Come on… Matt: Wait, why didn’t it do the curve that time? Ryan: [Frustrated scream] Ryan: [Sobbing]
Matt: [Sexual moaning sound] Matt: Why does it always curve at the last second?! Ryan: What is this series? Matt: I messed up my perfect score! Ryan: Move over! Ryan: You fucking… Matt: Don’t Matt: Don’t
Ryan: Gyp’ Matt: Wh- That’s- Did you just call me a gypsy? Ryan: Gotty! Matt: Damn! Ryan: Now all I need to do… Matt: See- Let’s see, you gonna get it? Ryan: Nope Ryan: Fuck me! Ryan: I always curve it too much Matt: It’s like that, uh, Malcolm in the Middle episode where he goes bowling Matt: With it- With his mom Matt: And he- And he-
Ryan: I thought you were talking about the one with Hal Matt: It’s the- It’s the same episode
Ryan: Oh Matt: It’s- It’s shown through two different perspectives
Ryan: I thought they were different realities Matt: What happened, what did I do? Matt: That’s like, one of the best episodes of Malcolm in the Middle Matt: Pff! Matt: I effed up, dude Matt: I effed up Ryan: They cast everything so perfectly in the show Matt: Huah! Matt: God- What am I doing?
Ryan: Stop getting all into it! Matt: I’m getting too into it, I’ma do a nice, smooth roll
Ryan: Yeah but we’re all human, flip it Matt: [frustrated] Oh my god…
Ryan: Flip it real good! Matt: I’ve ruined myself, I’m ruined Ryan: Here we go! Ryan: ‘Scuse me ladies and gentlemen
Matt: Sorry I keep getting in your way Ryan: It’s time for a pro Matt: Yeah, some pro you are, Ryan! Ryan: Did better than you! Ryan: Okay so if I curve a lot… Ryan: I can just do that! Matt: Pff!
Ryan: There we go! Matt: Well that was pretty cool, man! Matt: Okay, so when you bowl in real life Ryan, do you go for the heavier or the lighter ball? Ryan: Uh…
Matt: Riddle me this Ryan: I… don’t… I-I like… Ryan: I guess the lighter? Ryan: I don’t go for heavier that much
Matt: Yeah, that’s what little pussies do [Loud metal clanking sound]
Matt: AAAAAAAAAAOW! Oh FUCK! Ryan: I knew that was going to happen, Matt Matt: [Angry] Why is this in here, who put this here?!
Ryan: [Laughing] Matt: This stupid fucking metal lamp! Ryan: They’re- They’re the two worst lamps because-
Matt: They fall over at the slightest touch! Ryan: Fuck it, I’m moving it, I’m moving it!
Matt: It’s stupid, throw it on the ground! [Loud metal clanking sound]
Matt: I just broke my goddamn thumb Matt: It’s red Matt: Look at that!
Ryan: [Laughing] Ow, god
Matt: God! It’s like- I’m- Sh- God! Ryan: Well, Matt, hold on, maybe this’ll make you feel better, watch this Ryan: Ready? Ryan: That make you feel good? Game: Nice throw!
Ryan: [Laughing] Matt: It’s just adding injury to insult Ryan: It’s… insult to injury
Matt: Is it insult to injury? [Laughs] Matt: Okay, oops Ryan: Because you’re not adding an injury to- Well, I guess it could go both ways
Matt: Yeah, it works! Matt: My swing’s off now because my thumb is broken Ryan: The audio for this episode is going to be so stupid Matt: My- I can’t swing, my thumb is bro- Matt: What is happening?!
Ryan: Swing your arm while HOLDING the B button Matt: I was letting go of it too late, I guess
Ryan: Striiiike! Ryan: …Aww Matt: I wish… Matt: Hm my little finger’s throbbing… Ryan: [laughs] Poor little finger Matt: Go right on the edge Ryan: [Singing] Of glory
Matt: Oh my god dude Ryan: [Singing] Hanging on the edge of truth
Matt: [Laughs] I threw it! Matt: There we go
Ryan: [Singing] I’m on the edge
Game: Nice spare! Matt: We’re gonna get a copyright claim, don’t do that
Ryan: I’m sorry, I’m so good Ryan: I’m so good at that fucking song Ryan: Scooch over, s- the strike master back at it Matt: Oh yeah? Ryan: Gooooottyyyy! Matt: Fuck you!
Ryan: [Laughs] Ryan: The strike master!
Matt: That’s a double strike, dude! Ryan: Back at it again with the strikes, bitch! Matt: You know, I actually-
Ryan: Bitch! Matt: One of my proudest moments in life was that I- I bowled an almost perfect game and I was 1 pin away Ryan: Really?
Matt: Yeah Ryan: Wait, in real life?
Matt: No, no!
Ryan: [Laughs] Oh, okay
Matt: Fuck no, in uh, Wii Sports Matt: I need to put more power into my swings, that’s the problem Ryan: Well that was just- You do that
Matt: Okay Ryan: Things don’t balance like that! Ryan: Nice Matt: Wh- Oh my fuck- Wh- What is ha- What’s causing this?! Ryan: You’re letting go of it
Matt: Too late?! Ryan: You’ll hit people Matt: What- I- Oh there’s a little hidden guy back there Ryan: Can you go back and add faces, like, to each of the pins? Ryan: [Laughs]
Matt: No, I- No Ryan: There’s a bowling alley in Urmo [?] where it has- Ryan: Have you been to any of the bowl- Ugh! We need to go bowling! Ryan: To like-
Ryan: I really wanna go bowling! Matt: [Sarcastic] Yes, we need to go bowling, Ryan Ryan: We do! What- What about it? Wh- Why am I- Why do you make me look like an idiot, I’m just- Matt: No, I know, I-
Ryan: -trying to say let’s just have a good time and go bowling Ryan: and you’re like [Mocking tone] “Oh yeah-”
Matt: No Ryan, I-
Ryan: “-let’s go have a good time bowling, bowling’s for f-” Matt: It’s because I mentioned here, I’m bad at bowling!
Ryan: So am I! Matt: Well let’s go bowling then! Ryan: You think this is any indication of my ACTUAL skill in real bowling? Matt: It could be, I don’t know!
Ryan: Throwing a fucking Wiimote around? Matt: Ryan, I thought of a funny video idea
Ryan: What? Matt: How about we go to a real bowling alley-
Ryan: [Laughing] Goddamn! Matt: Fuck you! That’s turkey, what does that even mean?! Ryan: I just hit a speaker
Matt: It said turkey!
Ryan: Did it? Matt: [Laughs] Yeah
Ryan: That means, uh, 3 strikes in a row? Matt: Why- Who comes up with these stupid rules? Matt: What was I saying? Ryan: I dunno
Matt: What was I saying…? Ryan: I forgot!
Matt: I said I have a funny video idea, let’s go to a bowling alley with Wii remotes! [Laughs] Ryan: [Laughing] Oh, yeah, you said that!
Matt: [Laughs] Matt: Okay, cool, nice Matt: So many people thought that was real, I guarantee it Ryan: Your laugh?
Matt: Just that- That whole thing Matt: Okay Matt: Pff!
Ryan: [Laughs] I love how you- Matt: I still walk!
Ryan: You continue to like, pitter-patter with your arm up Matt: [Stupid tone] Look I did it!
Ryan: [Laughs] Matt: [Motherly tone] No Matt, the ball’s back here, sweetie! Ryan: [Stupid tone] Okayyyy! Matt: Don’t curve at the last second! Matt: Yeah, baby! Game: Nice spare!
Ryan: Boom, baby! Matt: Fucked ’em up! Matt: He’s dead! Ryan: Here we go Matt: Alright Ryan Matt: Lessee you do it, baby!
Ryan: Aah! Ryan: Damn! Matt: Hm… I seen better! Ryan: Ooh!
Matt: Oh! Ryan: Oh- Ooohhhh!
Matt: Ohhh- ka!
Ryan: Damn… Matt: These things are weighted, I think this- they’re cheating Ryan: Look at that
Matt: That’s weighted, that is weighted! Ryan: Come on…
Matt: You almost had a quadruple strike Ryan: If only it was top-heavy, then bowling would be the easiest game in the world Matt: This- This is my last one, so
Ryan: You got it! Matt: I’m going in, I’m going all in, I’m gonna swing hard as hell Ryan: Watch out, ’cause you might hit your coffee Matt: That would be disastrous Ryan: Don’t break your hand Matt: Wh- No no no, nononono! Ryan: What happened? Matt: …Okay Matt: Ungh! Ryan: Yes! Matt: Wha- [Sigh] Ryan: [Laughs] Matt: You ever been bowling with someone and they throw the ball and it’s just like… Matt: Monstrously fast? Ryan: And then they don’t hit all the pins and they go straight through just 3 of ’em and the momentum is too- Ryan: It’s so strong that instead of getting a strike, it just knocks like 3 down straight away Matt: Just go with a big muscly man? Matt: Wait, what- What happened? Ryan: ‘Cause you got a- You get the- It’s the last Matt: Ryan, you’re acting like I don’t know how bowling works Matt: Hrah!
Ryan: You got this, Matt! Ryan: Get a strike, dude
Matt: What the f- Matt: Okay, I got it, I- I- I got it Matt: Nope, no I don’t got it, that’s it!
Ryan: ‘Scuse me, Matt Matt: Ryan, if you get one pin, we’re tied
Ryan: Make way, make way Ryan: [inhale] MMmmm!
Matt: I got- Don’t get any pins! Ryan: [Sheepish tone] I’m sorry Matt: ‘Cause I had 138, or 139 and you’re 138 Ryan: Not any more Ryan: Hnuaaargh! Ryan: [Breathy tone] Yeah! Ryan: Fuck you! Game: Nice spare!
Ryan: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it Matt: Why’d you get so aggressive there? Ryan: ‘Scuse me Matt, I gotta- I gotta-
Matt: Oh, you’re not done yet?! You already beat me though! Ryan: ‘Scuse me, I gotta cream you even more! Ryan: ‘Scu- Matt, back up! Matt: Fine, I’m getting out of the way!
Ryan: I’m gonna fucking… Ryan: Describe what you’re about to- Ryan: Wait one second…
Matt: I’m about to watch a poor man drop a bowling ball Ryan: I- I- I don’t want- I don’t want it to drop Matt: You have to Matt: Ohhh fuck! [Laughs]
Ryan: [Laughs] Matt: Oh… Matt: If you get a fucking strike… Ryan: [Laughs] Why would I get a strike? Ryan: Well… There we go! Matt: Great
Matt: That was a grand finale, that- that swing Ryan: [Laughs]
Matt: Look at you, you won, you-
Ryan: I got my little sheriff strap and everything! Matt: [Laughs] Yeah, you’re a sheriff!
Ryan: [Laughs] Matt: Honorary sheriff, Ryan Magee
Ryan: [Laughs] Ryan: I’m a hairy sheriff
Matt: What if- Did you know if you bowl a perfect game, it promotes you to deputy?
Ryan: [Laughs] Matt: Alright guys, uhh… Matt: I’m actually gonna swap the numbers so it says I won Matt: …What? Matt: Are you- Matt: Just let me have it, please?