Tosh.0 – Sport Science.0

Tosh.0 – Sport Science.0


– ♪ O CANADA ♪ OUR HOME AND NATIVE LAND ♪ TRUE PATRIOT LOVE ♪ IN ALL THY SONS COMMAND – LOOKS LIKE THE ZAMBONI
MISSED SOME CARPET. I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING. THAT WOULD MAKE A GREAT
WEB REDEMPTION. AND APPARENTLY, YOU’RE NOT
THE ONLY ONE WHO THOUGHT SO. LISTEN, I’M AWARE
AMERICA’S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS AND TALK SOUP HAVE
A LEGITIMATE GRIPE AGAINST ME. IT’S BAD ENOUGH MTV HAS
A PG GIRL VERSION OF THIS SHOW. BUT NOW SPORTS CHANNELS
ARE STEALING FROM ME? DID ESPN REALLY THINK
I WOULDN’T NOTICE WHEN THEY CAME UP
WITH AN EERILY FAMILIAR NEW SEGMENT CALLED
“AWESOME VIDEO SEGMENT”? – WE GOT A NEW DEVICE
COMING UP. IT’S CALLED–
THE INAUGURAL PIECE IS CALLED THE AWESOME VIDEO SEGMENT,
AND THIS ONE CENTERS ON THAT–THAT SKATING, TRIPPING-OVER-THE-RED-CARPET SINGER GUY WHOSE NAME– HE’S GOT A NAME–
IS MARK DONNELLY. – ♪ LAND – YOU’VE SEEN IT ON
SPORTSCENTER A MILLION TIMES, BUT IF YOU’RE LIKE ME, YOU STILL HAVE
A MILLION QUESTIONS. I WENT TO CANADA
AND ASKED MARK DONNELLY WHAT HE WAS THINKING. – I DON’T KNOW WHY
I DIDN’T NOTICE THE– WHEN I WENT AROUND BEFORE, AND THEN WITH
THE TWO SPOTLIGHTS ON ME, I COULDN’T SEE
WHAT WAS IN FRONT OF ME. – ALL RIGHT, LISTEN CLOSELY
AND TELL ME IF YOU’VE HEARD
THIS NEXT PHRASE BEFORE. – DO YOU THINK
YOU WOULD BE WILLING TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT? – THEY MUST HAVE MISSED
THAT ONE EPISODE WHERE I SAID THAT BEFORE. ARE YOU READY TO GIVE IT
ANOTHER SHOT? ARE YOU READY
TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT? YOU READY TO GIVE IT
ANOTHER SHOT? ARE YOU READY TO GIVE IT
ANOTHER SHOT? ARE YOU READY
TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT? – DO YOU THINK
YOU WOULD BE WILLING TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT? – SURE. ♪ O CANADA ♪ OUR HOME AND [triumphant music] ♪ O CANADA ♪ WE STAND ON GUARD ♪ FOR THEE [cheers and applause] – YOU [bleep] HACKS
ARE CHEAPENING MY BRAND. I’M FINE WITH KIDS IN HIGH SCHOOL OR COLLEGE
PLAGIARIZING, BUT ONCE YOU WORK
FOR A REAL NETWORK, YOU SHOULD HAVE
SOME GODDAMN SELF-RESPECT. THAT’S WHY I CREATED
A NEW SEGMENT CALLED SPORTSCIENCE.0. WHO DO YOU THINK CAME UP
WITH THAT– A NETWORK DEDICATED TO SPORTS OR BILL NYE’S SON,
THE SPORTS SCIENCE GUY? THEY’VE BEEN CALLING ME THAT
SINCE I WAS [bleep] 11. [dramatic music] ON ESPN’S FLAGSHIP SHOW
SPORTSCENTER, EACH HIGHLIGHT LASTS AN AVERAGE
OF 45 SECONDS AND CONTAINS AN ASTONISHING
217 UNFUNNY FORCED PUNS. AND THE […] FRAT BROTHERS
THEY CALL ANCHORS ARE WHIFFING ON AN IMPROBABLE
100% OF THE JOKES THEY TRY TO MAKE. THAT’S LIKE A GREASED UP
ADULT GRIZZLY BEAR TRYING TO MAKE LOVE
TO A FRESH SALMON. THAT’S LIKE– SPORTSCENTER BREAKS DOWN
LIKE THIS: 60% MANZIEL GOSSIP, 39% PRAISING LEBRON FOR BUYING A GIANT BRITA FILTER
TO CLEAN LAKE ERIE, 72% JERKING OFF THE S.E.C., AND 41% EXPLAINING AWAY WHATEVER CRIME AN NFL PLAYER
COMMITTED THAT HOUR. THERE’S 2% OTHER,
WHICH IS ROOM FOR WHOMEVER HAS TO FILL IN
FOR BILL SIMMONS EVERY TIME HE’S SUSPENDED FOR HAVING THE AUDACITY
TO DEFEND WOMEN. ESPN’S 72 PERSONALITIES
WHO HAVE NO PERSONALITY CAN SOMEHOW MANAGE
TO EXERT ENOUGH FORCE TO CLIMB ALL THE WAY
INTO THE NFL’S ASSHOLE. FORMER ATHLETES ACCOUNT FOR ALMOST 1/3
OF ESPN PERSONALITIES, AND WITH A GRAMMATICAL ERROR
EVERY FIFTH WORD, A NORMAL SEGMENT CONTAINS NEARLY 400 INSTANCES
OF FLAWED SYNTAX. SIMPLE MATHEMATICS TELLS US THAT IS A STATISTICAL ANOMALY. CHRIS BERMAN’S
WEEKLY 2-MINUTE DRILL RUNS AN AVERAGE
OF 5 MINUTES AND 11 SECONDS. THAT’S 5 MINUTES AND 11 SECONDS
MORE THAN ANYONE OUTSIDE OF BUFFALO WANTS TO HEAR CHRIS BERMAN
GARGLE ON ALL SEVEN OF HIS CHINS. AND THAT PAINFULLY UNAWARE
PUDGY OLD MAN MAKES $3 MILLION A YEAR. THAT’S MORE THAN ALL-PROS
ANDREW LUCK AND JULIO JONES. SCIENCE! FOR A MEASLY $5.64 BILLION, ESPN WON
THE BROADCASTING RIGHTS TO THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFFS FOR THE NEXT 12 YEARS. ZERO DOLLARS OF THAT WILL GO
TO THE ATHLETES. ESPN PROFITS
OFF KIDS PLAYING FOOTBALL, WHICH MEANS THEY SUPPORT KIDS
GETTING BRAIN DAMAGE, WHICH MEANS ESPN
WANTS CHILDREN TO DIE, OR TO PUT IT
IN SCIENTIFIC TERMS, ESPN LOVES KILLING KIDS. SCIENCE. FOR SPORTSCIENCE.0, I’M DANIEL TOSH. FOR THE RECORD,
THAT WAS NOT AIMED AT MIKE AND MIKE, SIMMONS, BEADLE, PTI, LE BATARD. YOU GUYS ARE COOL.

100 Replies to “Tosh.0 – Sport Science.0”

  1. Before ESPN pissed themselves about I slightly, and I mine slightly! Controversial phrase uttered by Colin cowherd they at least had his wonderful show but there dumbasses lost that

  2. "ESPN's 72 Personalities, who have no personality, can somehow manage to exert enough force to climb all the way into the NFL's asshole".

    "Five minutes and eleven seconds, that's five minutes and eleven seconds more than anyone, outside of Buffalo wants to hear Chris Berman gargle on all seven of his chins!"

    Holy shit, he is pissed!

  3. If you like Daniel Tosh, you have my sense of humor and you will enjoy my videos as well. Wanna give it a shot?

  4. Those hand gestures were killing me, feel like nobody really got it but the presenter from ESPN who does sports science is always doing some shit with this hands

  5. Heeeyyy! I have brain damage and it aint too bad till you forget who and where you are especially if thats driving through an intersection or having a seizure while driving through one

  6. I agree. Michelle beadle, and mikes are the best. I wish brousard was at espn still but he is always on fox.

  7. easy Tosh… you didnt coin the phrase…
    besides…
    didn't you make fun of stolen valor? whats the difference?

  8. if you pause the video at 4:37 you can clearly see this reptilians holographic pinkie glitching the fuk out. Those are not Human hands. The organic Hybrid robotoids grown underground are all missing pinkie fingers so they use holographic crystal projections to add them in. You can see the crystal on his shirt just below his left hand, it's a little blue rectangle.

  9. Tosh kinda reminds me of Stephen Colbert in his younger days and on his old comedy Central show…. I think he'd make a great late night show host one day…..

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *