The Rio Olympics Are In Total Disarray

The Rio Olympics Are In Total Disarray


FIRST OF ALL, I’M VERY
EXCITED THAT JON BATISTE LOOKS LIKE HUMPHREY BOGART TONIGHT. YOU’RE LOOKING GOOD. HERE’S LOOKING AT YOU, KID. FANTASTIC. YOU’RE READY FOR A TROPICAL
VACATION OVER THERE.>>Jon: OH, YES, INDEED. WE’VE GOT A COUPLE MORE DAYS.>>Stephen: WE DO, WE DO. WE HAVE TO STAY FOCUSED.>>Jon: WE’RE IN IT RIGHT NOW. WE’RE FOCUSING IN, WE’RE
FOCUSING IN ON THE TARGET.>>Stephen: THE TARGET BEING
DOING THE SHOW THE NEXT HOUR?>>Jon: DOING THE SHOW AND
PLAYING JAZZ FOR ME ON THIS SIDE.>>Stephen: FOR ME I’M JUST
GOING TO DO THE SHOW. COMEDY.>>Jon: JAZZ.>>Stephen: TINKLE, TINKLE. ONE OF THE REASONS I’M VERY
EXCITED WE’VE GOT COMING UP, OUR OLD FRIEND TOM BROKAW WILL BE
OUT HERE.( APPLAUSE )
TOM AND I VEHICLE FRIENDS FOR
YEARS. IT’S AN HONOR TO KNOW HIM. IT’S AMAZING I GOT TO KNOW THIS
GUY. HE’S ON ANOTHER NETWORK THEY
CANNOT NAME THAT HAS GOT THE OLYMPICS AND I AM LOOKING
FORWARD TO TALKING TO HIM ABOUT THOSE GAMES BECAUSE I AM PUMPED
FOR THE REAL GAMES. THEY ARE LESS THAN TWO MONTHS
AWAY OR NEVER. BECAUSE JUST YESTERDAY, RIO’S
ACTING GOVERNOR WARNED THE OLYMPICS COULD BE A “BIG
FAILURE,” WHICH IS ACTUALLY AN IMPROVEMENT, BECAUSE UNTIL
YESTERDAY, IT LOOKED LIKE A MASSIVE CATASTROPHE. THE OLYMPICS ARE IN REAL
TROUBLE. MANY OF THE VENUES ARE STILL
UNFINISHED, POSSIBLY BECAUSE MORE THAN $10 BILLION IN
CONSTRUCTION CONTRACTS WENT TO JUST FIVE FIRMS, ALL OF WHICH
ARE CURRENTLY UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR PRICE FIXING
AND KICKBACKS. THAT HAS ALREADY LED TO TOP
EXECUTIVES BEING JAILED OR CHARGED. THOUGH ON THE PLUS SIDE, FOR
THOSE EXECUTIVES, THE PRISONS WON’T BE COMPLETED UNTIL 2036. ( APPLAUSE )
PLUS, BRAZIL HAS ONE OF THE HIGHEST VIOLENT CRIME RATES IN
THE WORLD, WHICH LED RIVALDO, A FORMER MEMBER OF BRAZIL’S
OLYMPIC SOCCER TEAM, TO WARN TOURISTS TO “STAY IN THEIR
COUNTRY OF ORIGIN” BECAUSE “HERE YOU WILL BE RUNNING THE RISK OF
YOUR LIFE,” LEADING TO BRAZIL’S NEWEST TOURIST SLOGAN, “BRAZIL:
COME FOR THE SPORT, STAY BECAUSE YOU’RE DEAD.” ( LAUGHTER )
BUT EXPERTS DON’T EXPECT AN INCREASE IN ARRESTS DURING THE
OLYMPICS, IN PART BECAUSE “POLICE PATROLS MAY GRIND TO A
HALT BECAUSE THEY CAN’T AFFORD TO BUY FUEL.” THOUGH, WITH ANY LUCK, THE
PROBLEM WILL SOLVE ITSELF WHEN THE CARS ARE STOLEN. THESE BUDGET SHORTFALLS LED
FIRST RESPONDERS TO STAGE PROTESTS ALL OVER RIO YESTERDAY,
INCLUDING ONE AT THE AIRPORT WHERE POLICE HELD A SIGN THAT
READ, “WELCOME TO HELL.” YES, HELL. EXPLAINS WHY THEY’RE CHANGING
THE OLYMPIC LOGO FROM THREE PEOPLE HOLDING HANDS TO TWO GUYS
MUGGING THE OTHER GUY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT CORRUPTION AND CRIME AREN’T THE ONLY THINGS PLAGUING THE
OLYMPICS. THERE’S ALSO ACTUAL PLAGUE
BECAUSE FEAR OVER THE ZIKA VIRUS, WHICH CAN CAUSE BIRTH
DEFECTS, HAS LED SOME ATHLETES TO STAY HOME AND OTHERS TO TAKE
SPECIAL PRECAUTIONS, LIKE FREEZING THEIR SPERM. (KNOCKING)
“WHAT’S GOING ON IN THERE?” “DON’T OPEN THE DOOR. I’M TRAINING FOR THE OLYMPICS!”
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) “YOU’RE TRAINING ALL THE TIME.” OF COURSE, ATHLETES COULD ALWAYS
HIDE FROM MOSQUITOES UNDERWATER. BUT I WOULDN’T RECOMMEND
GUANABARA BAY, WHERE THE BOATING EVENTS WILL BE HELD, BECAUSE
THIS IS AN ACTUAL PHOTO OF THE RACE SITE. NOTICE, OKAY, THAT DOESN’T LOOK
GOOD. BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, IF
BRAZIL DOESN’T FINISH THE ATHLETES’ DORMS IN TIME, I THINK
THAT COUCH IS A FOLD-OUT! AND IT GETS WORSE BECAUSE
“RESEARCHERS JUST FOUND DRUG-RESISTANT SUPER BACTERIA IN
THE BAY” LEADING ONE BRAZILIAN PROFESSOR TO SAY,
“THESE BACTERIA SHOULD NOT BE PRESENT IN THESE WATERS. THEY SHOULD NOT BE PRESENT IN
THE SEA.” NOW, I WOULD SAY “NO (BLEEP).” BUT I THINK IN THIS CASE,
QUITE THE OPPOSITE IS TRUE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT IT’S NOT– I LIKE THAT. I LIKE THAT. I WANT TO POINT OUT THAT YOU
HAVE APPLAUDED TWO THINGS– SHODDY CONSTRUCTION AND HUMAN
WASTE. ( LAUGHTER )
YOU’RE MY KIND OF PEOPLE. YOU’RE MY KIND OF PEOPLE. ( APPLAUSE )
BUT IT’S NOT JUST HUMANS WHOSE LIVES ARE AT RISK IN RIO BECAUSE
RECENTLY, A JAGUAR AT AN OLYMPIC TORCH CEREMONY WAS SHOT AFTER
ESCAPING FROM ITS HANDLERS. I BELIEVE THAT PARTICULAR
SPECIES OF JAGUAR WAS THE SPOTTED SOUTH AMERICAN METAPHOR. BUT DON’T WORRY. THE OLYMPIC COMMITTEE HAS
RELEASED THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT, “WE MADE A
MISTAKE IN PERMITTING THE OLYMPIC TORCH, A SYMBOL OF PEACE
AND UNITY, TO BE EXHIBITED ALONGSIDE A CHAINED WILD ANIMAL. WE GUARANTEE THAT THERE WILL BE
NO MORE SUCH INCIDENTS AT RIO 2016.” YES, THERE WILL NO LONGER BE LIT
TORCHES ALONGSIDE CHAINED ANIMALS. FROM HERE ON OUT, THEY’LL JUST
SET FIRE TO THE JAGUAR DIRECTLY. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, BOY, I WOULD HATE TO WORK
FOR A NETWORK THAT PAID BILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO BROADCAST THAT
CLUSTER MUNCH. WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TOM
BROKAW.

100 Replies to “The Rio Olympics Are In Total Disarray”

  1. The games finished and despite the pessimism of many many people, none disaster really happened in Rio. Ironically the most embarrassing history of this Olympics came from an american that invented a robbery to save its own relationship, and may have shamed the american olympic team. Not all the americans, but some arrogants, they think they are the owners of the truth, but they are not. After all, and again, USA became again the greatest winners of medals, showing to the World its superiority in sports. Congratulations to USA team and Rio Olympics.
    Sorry, this were the words from a brazilian, obviously, a non-fluent in English (Thanks Google Translator).

  2. Violence? Zika virus? Pollution? Where is it?! Brazil showed to the world, we are able to make the biggest event in the world!

  3. …. wow ! That's what I call serious business 🙂
    …. oh American Dream, in your world; Black Guys are killed on the streets for fun , peoples Supporting Racism and intolerance young Youtube are Cold blooded killed and staffs … sure you prefer Talk about that Brazil it's a Bad Bad Guy 🙂 🙂 C o mm o n 🐍

    …. you are no funny !! I can't help myself! …. you play the a s s and we "Brazil" did it ! 😉 I wonderful Show in a Paradise calls RIO , im sure you never had been there .:-) I mean more about to be Kind friendly …
    … other hands thank you and you are welcome to earn your applause and money with American racist point of view.

  4. É uma estupidez esse povo que acha que tem o rei na barriga, deve estar engolindo a seco até agora, temos problemas sim, mas ficar criticando, escrachando o país dos outros é coisa de gente ignorante, por ai as pessoas vão ao cinema e um maluco entra e mata gente inocente, invadem escolas e abrem fogo contra crianças, fizemos nossa lição de casa direitinho, já  seu nadador fez um papelão, apresentador idiota.

  5. So olimpics ended and… Where are the "total disaster".
    Dailymail said(very well): "By the way, remind me how
    many golfers contracted Zika in Rio. Remind me how many sailors were
    unable to compete because they came into contact with the waters of
    Guanabara Bay. Remind me how many triathletes fell ill after swimming
    off Copacabana beach on Thursday. Remind me how many American athletes
    actually did get held up at gunpoint.  So let’s draw a veil over all those scare stories shall we?"

  6. Brazil,my Brasil.You are my pride,despite trouble.I love my country blue,yellow and green.We remain silent many who said it would be a failure.Today we proved to the world that we are able to host an event of this size.Beautiful party for the world and for us brasilians.Great show!
    We will miss Olympic games.

  7. Where is Zika? The Guanabara Bay problems? Terrorist attack?
    Incredible oppening ceremony, perfect games… BRASIL
    The last moment of the games was the Ryan Lochte lie…
    The worst fact was caused by the United States……
    That's to bad!
    More education in Japan americans, please!!!

  8. Okay, it's obviously that Brazil is a piece of shit but if america would be in the same situation? Would you jugde us like that?Go fuck and Trump gonna be Hitler of america he will destroy america

  9. Ironically the most embarrassing history of this Olympics came from an dumb american that invented a robbery…

  10. Alll the negative bull shit that media hyped about was all false propaganda it seems like. The Olympics went great; had lots of fun watching it and I dont think the athletes had much to complain about.

  11. There were no zika virus cases, and about security there were no issues weeeell talk rayan lochet, the games was a success the athletes and tourists were welcomed very well and loved the stay so I guess you should make idiot jokes about your mum

  12. Brasileiros. Parem de falar mal do Brasil.
    O Pais é uma reflexão direta de seus habitantes.
    Concordar e ajudar a desvalorizar a imagem do Brasil
    é admitir que você também não presta.

  13. Your parents is the 2024 Olympics candidate, the American swimmer, making historas, some American media making fun of other countries, alarming about zica virus, etc., I think for those who want to host this event you guys should be less ignorant. In the United States there is also poverty, that it does not focus on both the poverty of other countries, and show the American reality, love to sell his country as heaven on earth, is it all about?

  14. Americanos falam de outros paises e outras pessoas como se fossem "super humanos", todos somos iguais porem nascidos só em lugares diferentes, não existe raça superior existe só educação diferente e culturas diferente, cada um tem seu defeito, inclusive americanos também tem muitos defeitos …
    mas não somos todos iguais, não generalize pois a grande maioria dos brasileiros são boas pessoas porem a minoria ruim é sempre usada para nos descrever, sinceramente prefiro os defeitos do meu país que a "cegueira" e ilusão de superioridade que infelismente grande parte de vocês tem…

  15. I got it. In the end Colbert states his real motivation for his speech. The olympics are not airing on CBS but on NBC.
    I am glad that in the end of the day all turned out well. No Zika cases, but only a swimmer that should be an ambassador to his country turned out to be a liar.
    One thing is true: we can choose what to speak and how we speak about it. I am sure that not all americans are like Colbert and Ryan Lochte. I know there is creative and bright people out there who can actually make a joke and be funny without being offensive.

  16. What a delight this Ryan Lochte is… The uncovering of this liar was the perfect payback to the ones who blemished about the olympics being held in Brazil about a month ago, including the most boring TV host of all time, who said: "…until yesterday, it (the olympics) looked like a massive catastrophe. The olympics are in real trouble…". Suddenly, the guy who embodied most of the tragedy announced to take place in Rio 2016 came out to be a liar. What a shame for all the Chicago-2016-bastards. Better luck next time trying to host the olympics, but I guess Paris is far ahead as a choice for 2024.
    Perhaps Ryan is just a douche, but he is all yours.
    Rio 2016 was great!!!

  17. everyone loves badmouth Brazil
    but do not forget that every place has theft
    but the United States is a liar ( swimmer ) !

  18. I type this on 8-27-16, about one week after the Olympics was finished. I love Stephen Colbert but he got this wrong. Brazil did the Olympics just as good as all the previous Olympics.

  19. i came from the future. no poluted water no terrorist atac no zika. almost 1.5million turists having fun. amazing wonderful

  20. parece que o jogo virou não e mesmo queridinho o caso de ryan locthe ou seja la como se escreve o nome daquele débio mental

  21. Americanos invejosos!!! Só pq não foi no seu pais ficam criticado tudo 😡😡😡 E não teve nenhum crime durante as olimpíadas. As olimpíadas foram incríveis,não teve nenhum problema. Vcs são a potência mundial mas não tem direito de ficar criticando os países!!!! Seu país não é perfeito

  22. united state and a country trash that has only attack death several terrosta attack not even know why they are talking bad of Brazil you do not even know to speak bad of Brazil to and cuidacom the terrorist attack because so threatening that country of shit that anyone can get hopefully the Americans fuck to learn is not making jokes with the parents of other 😡😡😡

  23. I am Brazilian and trust me, some of the things that he said didn't make any sense, Brazil is not as bad as he says, of course that there is violence, diseases and all of those kinds of stuff, but doesn't US has too? I have never been stolen in my life, of course it could happen but it doesn't mean it will DEFINITELY happen. (I'm sorry if I wrote something wrong, I'm not very good at English)

  24. Let's just say that the exageration is similar if someone said that: "I don't wanna go live in US. Don't want to stay running away everyday from bombing terrorists or being afraid everytime some creep will shoot my son at school with no reason at all.". All in the video was true, but not at that scale.

  25. I find it very funny that, Stephen Colbert has no idea of what the fuck he is talking about, and he is making jokes about a country that he doesn't know at all. Great job. American people loves a good quality humor.

  26. Could this sickening video be wronger? Zika virus, the worst Am. media product ever, but everything went fine anyway. Congratulations Brazil. Wonderful job you did. By the way, my regards to Ryan Lochte, and the great American way, of lying.

  27. I'm a Brazilian,and I'm happy because that,I don't care about how we are,everything will be OK,and Yes,I love my country.

  28. Is this considered mood? need demote others with dirty jokes and not funny words. Go pray, who knows God forgive you

  29. it just shows that you do not know anything about Brazil, I live in Brazil and I am outraged at what this guy speaks, how much bullshit. Brazil is a wonderful and beautiful country hardly know you 🇧🇷🇧🇷🇧🇷🇧🇷🇧🇷🇧🇷🇧🇷🇧🇷🇧🇷🇧🇷

  30. I know my country is going to shit because I see a foreigner talking smack about my homeland and I laugh and applaud because I know it's all true!

  31. I am Brazilian, I am aware of every single problem around here, and honestly I'm ashamed of those who are ashamed of being Brazilian.

  32. This is fucking humiliating for Brazilians.These Americans have no right to humiliate other countries' problems because they have also problems on their own nation.USA is the "greatest country" in the world I don't know what their talking about?USA is not the only greatest country world many are like Japan,Russia,China,UK/England,France,etc.Nobody is perfect and everyone have their own problems.

  33. Brazil is also a great country and rich country,they show their rich culture and tradition,they have sexy people, etc.

  34. I can not speak ill of the Americans I do not know their culture, I can my country Brazil, here we have problems and many, there is one thing we have never disowned. There are those who are weak instead of fighting, I prefer to hide, I was not born to be a coward, I'm going up, that being Brazilian, living or dying, is part of the fight.

  35. This weak comedian can not create constructive joke, I do not care what a speaker, worries are people seeing this kind of program.

  36. I understand the differences in culture, that there is something about american ''humor'' that the rest of the world don't understand, but american mentality is just disgusting. This guy, his retarded faces and diction combined with what he says, it makes me sick.

  37. I felt really embarrassed for Brazil. They wanted to show the world their national pride and that they could stand with the big dogs, but it just….wasn't happening. My question is this: Why put in a bid for the Olympics if you knew you couldn't afford it? Its like that baby sister whose always down for the Sibling Retreats, but then have a hard time paying her rent, her car note, her phone bill, her light bill, her kids don't have any food, so on and so forth. All because she wanted to go on a vacation and to prove that she could afford it. If its not in your budget, then it isn't in your budget. Theres always a next time baby sister Brazil, when you are financially and politically stable and can afford it.

  38. Rio's olypics was a sucessful 😎 Shut up fucking american 😈. Now I understand why Bin Laden destryed the WTC. And I think he did a great job, against those fucking north americans. What a pity that Bin is dead, he could do more 😏 !!!!

  39. Brasileiro se acha um vira lata mesmo. Parem de falar mal do seu pais e seja patriota, fodase o que ta errado, foque em melhorar e não reclamar. Essa imagem que vocês criam do seu pais so piora a situação. Alem de passar vergonha, vocês estão afastando potenciais investidores. Ai a economia sofre e ninguém sabe porque.

  40. love you stephen but only brazilians can trash brazil, when americans do it it's just of bad taste. also misconceptions such as those are why everyone believed idiot savant ryan lochte when he said he was robbed in rio. honestly, get back to trashing your own country; we may be in poor shape but at least our horrible stupid president- who is the worst president we've ever had – has been quoted as saying he can't close brazilian borders because it would be inhumane to refugees

  41. Esse cara aí n teve escola n teve mãe nem Pai com educação, os cara n tem consciência do que está falando, pelo menos n fomos alvo de ataque terrorismo, n fomos alvo de bombardeio do Japão tá, devia levar mil tapas na cara para papar de ser babaca 😡⁉️

  42. Vejo um Brasil 🇧🇷 que nosso povo pode superar essas dificuldades e quando nós chegarmos lá quero vê vc fazendo piadinhas. Espero q vc esteja com um peso na consciência

  43. You guys have terrorrism, hurricanes, earthquakes, crazy american teenagers shooting everywhere, a health service that is very expensive if you dont have insurance and xenophobia, and think you north americans would be a better choice. I wonder how the olympics in your country would be like if your president don't want people from other countries in you territory

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