America Totally Dominated the Olympics, Scandals Included

IT’S GREAT TO BE BACK, AND I JUST WANT TO START OUT TONIGHT BY SAYING, U.S.A. NUMBER ONE! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) U.SU.S.A.! MY FAVORITE MOB, MINDLESS. WHY ARE WE CHANTING? BECAUSE AMERICA JUST DOMINATED THE 2016 OLYMPICS! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THAT’S RIGHT, WE KILLED IT. THE OLYMPICS ARE A TIME THAT THE WHOLE WORLD COMES…

The Rio Olympics Are In Total Disarray

FIRST OF ALL, I’M VERY EXCITED THAT JON BATISTE LOOKS LIKE HUMPHREY BOGART TONIGHT. YOU’RE LOOKING GOOD. HERE’S LOOKING AT YOU, KID. FANTASTIC. YOU’RE READY FOR A TROPICAL VACATION OVER THERE.>>Jon: OH, YES, INDEED. WE’VE GOT A COUPLE MORE DAYS.>>Stephen: WE DO, WE DO. WE HAVE TO STAY FOCUSED.>>Jon: WE’RE IN IT RIGHT NOW. WE’RE…

Jim Jefferies Doesn’t See The Point In Bombing Australia

MY NEXT GUEST IS AN AUSTRALIAN COMEDIAN WITH A LOT TO SAY ABOUT AMERICA. PLEASE WELCOME THE HOST OF “THE JIM JEFFERIES SHOW,” JIM JEFFERIES! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING ) JIM JEFFERIES, RIGHT THERE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELCOME.>>THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.>>Stephen: NICE TO HAVE YOU ON. “THE JIM…

John Krasinski Was Ready To Quit Acting Before ‘The Office’

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >>Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU. GOOD TO SEE YOU.>>THANK YOU. I DON’T KNOW WHY EVERY GUEST DOESN’T LEAVE AFTER THAT. THAT’S AS GOOD AS IT GETS. IT’S NOT GOING TO GET ANY BETTER, GUYS. I’M SORRY.>>Stephen: THAT IS BUTTERY SOFT SUEDE.>>IT IS BUTTER, ACTUALLY. IT’S MADE OF BUTTER.>>Stephen: WOW.>>A LOT…

Matt Damon Explains Why ‘Good Will Hunting’ Has So Much Cursing

MY FIRST GUEST IS AN OSCAR WINNER FROM MOVIES YOU KNOW LIKE THE BOURNE MOVIES, THE DEPARTED, GOOD WILL HUNTING, AND NOW DOWNSIZINGK PLEASE WELCOME THE ONE, THE ONLY, MR. MATT DAMON! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).>>Stephen: THANK YOU .>>THANK YOU, WOW. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THANK YOU.>>Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YOU.>>THANK YOU, GOOD TO SEE YOU TOO.>>Stephen:…

Stephen Guesses ‘GoT’ Endings At Kit Harington

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FIRST GUEST TONIGHT IS THE EMMY-NOMINATED ACTOR YOU KNOW AS JON SNOW ON “GAME OF THRONES.” PLEASE WELCOME, KIT HARINGTON! ♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >>Stephen: THANKS FOR BEING HERE. I WANT YOU TO KNOW, I WANT YOU TO KNOW, IN CASE YOU DO NOT HAVE…