Jordan Peterson – Becoming Independent From Your Parents

Jordan Peterson – Becoming Independent From Your Parents

Carl Jung talked about this phenomena, he cried. Phenomenon, he… …described as retrogressive restoration of the persona. And so it’s a complicated idea, but basically what it means, is that sometimes you take a leap forward and you learn some things. But you can’t catalyze a new identity, so you try to go back and hide in your old identity. And that actually doesn’t work, because… Well, you- things have changed, and you’ve learned something, and that isn’t who you are anymore. And so, it’s like – you have to cut parts of yourself off in a destructive manner, to fit back into the person that you were. Now, what happens here is that Pinocchio escapes from this tyrannical situation, and undergoes this descent into Chaos; but he tries to go back home, he tries to go back to what he was. And he can’t do that anymore. His father isn’t at home anymore. And so… So when he goes home, he finds that there’s no home there. Now, this happens to people sometimes, and it’s often a shock to them. So, one of the things I’ve noticed about “Peter Pan”-type, (I’m gonna speak about men here, because I’ve observed it more in men), is that they often stay under the thumb of their father. And you think: “Well, why would someone do that?” Because it means, they’re subject to the tyrannical judgment of their father. They’re always concerned about what their father would think, or whether their father approves of them, and so forth. And you think: “Well, that’s gotta be an unpleasant place to be. Why would you do that?” One of the things that I’ve suggested to my clients and other people sometimes, is that… Here’s a weird little exercise that you can undertake, a little thought experiment. So – you have your parents, and of course your parents have friends who are about their age, and maybe some of them are people you only know peripherally. And I might ask you: “Well, do you care more about what your parents think, than you care about what these peripheral people, who know your parents think?” And then the answer to that is “well, of course”. And then, the question that arises out of that, is… “Why?” I mean, for someone else your parents are the peripheral people, and their parents are central. Like, why is it logical that your parents make… [your parents’] opinion makes any more difference to you, than the appearance- than the, uh… The opinion of some randomly selected people, who are approximately that age? Why is it the case, that you would consider that they would know more than someone else? I mean, I know they know you better, and fair enough, but that’s not the point. And then, another point there is, that to the degree that your parents’ opinion about you matters more than some randomly selected people of approximately the same age… Jung would say – well, you haven’t exactly separated out the “God image” from your parents. And so you’re still under that combination. It’s like… it’s a complicated thing to talk about, but think about the Harry Potter series. Harry has two sets of parents, right? He’s got the Dursley parents, and then he’s got these… like magical parents, that sort of float behind. And he should know the difference between them. They shouldn’t be one in the same – they’re not for him. And it’s like, well, you have your parents, and you have Nature and Culture as parents. And you shouldn’t be thinking that your parents are Nature and Culture as well. They shouldn’t have final dominion over you. [It] means that you’re not an individual yet, if that’s the case. Freud said for example, that no… “Noone could be a man, unless his father had died”. And Jung said: “Yes, but that death can take place symbolically”. Okay, so there’s that part of the idea.
And then another part of the idea is – – one of the times in your life, when you actually realize that you’re an individual, is when you’ll go and ask your parents something, and you realize they actually don’t know any more about… what you should do, than you do. And that sucks. And that’s partly why people are often willing to maintain a tyrant-slave relationship with their father. It’s like… On a one hand you have to be inferior in a relationship like that. You know, you’ve always got the Judge watching you, but on the other hand, there’s always someone who knows, what to do. There’s always someone standing between you and the Unknown, that you can go ask “What should I do?” Well, at some point you’ll realize, that the reason you can’t ask that anymore is because they actually don’t know any more than you do. And then – that’s a pain. Like, that… that is a symbolic death. That’s also when you establish a more individual relationship with your parents. It’s at that point, that you could conceivably start taking care of them instead of the reverse. And that’s a time that should come, but you have to let that image of perfection go. And that exposes you. Well, that’s what happens here. You know, Pinocchio goes home, and he wants things to be the way they were, and he wants to stay under the careful care of the benevolent father. But, that’s no longer possible, he’s past that point. And that’s why the father has disappeared. And so, Geppetto has gone off to look for Pinocchio, because he also needs his son. But… But in any case, the house is abandoned. And so then… We see inside the house, that everything’s covered with cobwebs and everything’s gone, and Pinocchio and the Cricket sit on the steps. And they’re very concerned. First of all, they wonder where he went. So they’re actually concerned that he’s gone. But they also don’t know what to do, because there’s just no going home. And so you know, that’s also the case, that once you hit a certain point in your development… Well, it’s the same thing we already talked about. The answers that you’re looking for, are not going to be found in your parents’ house. It’s as simple as that. Now, you could artificially maintain your dependency. But you know, if you do that for too long, things get pretty ugly. So you get pretty stale and, and… You know, you’re like bread, that’s been on the shelf for too long.

100 Replies to “Jordan Peterson – Becoming Independent From Your Parents”

  1. As soon I my soon is 18 he’s getting thrown out and if he tries getting back in I’ll give him a good hiding

    I can’t wait till he’s gone

    He can come back when he’s 25 and with his own house, until then I don’t want to see or hear from him

  2. To whomever needs to read this: this video mainly talks about the disappearance of the father, and for good reasons. It is the mythological motif of the dying father, king or god, who is in need of renewal, which occurs by way of symbolic death and rebirth. I really feel that whenever this happens, and the god-image or the father-image etc., suffers damage or somehow fully disintegrates (whether it be belief in the virtuousness of the actual physical father, culture, or the idea you hold of an omnipotent and omniscient God) that there is always still the mother. And by mother in this sense I don't mean your physical mother, but this planet, Earth, nature, Mother Nature. She may not know everything, but she knows more than we individually do, that's for sure. We can never transcend her in any way. And though this physical universe may be dangerous it's also full of love. So if perhaps you have lost your parents, or they are not in the picture, and you feel like you have lost any point of reference to look up to or mold yourself to, you have lost even your God… Nature is still here, imperfectly perfect like you, and you have nothing left to prove. Culture always wants to rise, and it is sanitized, it is stripped from the animal kingdom in a way, but nature is not; nature is just like us. She is both matter and consciousness, inside and all around. We are made up from natural elements and we are fully immersed in it. Hence, if there is no longer a father figure that we can safely rely on, like Pinocchio, know that this universe is always a home and a mother to everyone but especially to those in need! She has her darkness, sure, but the light belongs to her too. Don't be afraid to find comfort in this cosmos's motherly love. No matter how much of a grown up individual we are, we are still children too, there are family ties; and it's nature who is mother of all, even of culture. Remember that <3

  3. At 26 and still living with my parents I was tought all of this without being able to express it. Thats why I made the decisions i have to, do my own laundry, make my own meals, etc, etc. So when I move out, which will be soon, I'll be more than prepared.

  4. My son is 2 when he is 16 I’ll make him start paying some rent and bills. So he can get what it’s like to live away from home. By 21 they should be out though.

  5. Well my parents are both scientists,and very educated people,but still i give up beliving that they know better when i was 14(they said that also). Now i am 18,living with my wife,we have problems of course but we together grown every day. Thank you Jordan for your existence.

  6. I went to live independent at the age of 23, but had to come back home one year later because of a depression, I tried again at 26 and I managed well for 2 years and a half, but I don't know how I came back home again, and here I am, stuck. It is like there is something in me that always make me come home even if after I profoundly regret the decision. I hope next time I will get independent will be forever.

  7. Well, I think it's unacceptable if you stay with parents just because its more comfortable. But at least in my country most people are not rich enough to buy some flat for their children, and most young people, even well educated and earning relatively good money, can't afford their own flat. They have to either rent a flat, which costs often more than they earn, or take credit for 30 years that will consume half of their income. In this situation you can't even save any money or think about children. On the other hand, I for example live with my parents in the house, where I have my floor and the enterance is separated. I prefer to work and share bills with them and save money, in stead of getting into debt to have 35m^2 apartment and depression, because if they will fire me I would sleep on the street.

  8. Podrían traducirlo al español? él habla de unos temas muy interesantes, creo que todos deberían ver sus vídeo. Y yo mejorar mi inglés. 🙂

  9. Of course your parents’ opinion matters. They have invested in you and taken care of you. You owe them a child that they enjoy being around and that they like

  10. I'm going the this process I need to learn to take care of myself in a better manner so that I can take care of them instead of the other way around.

  11. Catalyse the new persona, exactly. Jordan's videos are made for me, amazing, every title, lol. In the exact timing.

  12. Been living on my own since 17 years of age. I'm 21 now and not financially independent yet, I am now a business owner though and slowly working on becoming truly independent

  13. So, I should move out even though financially speaking I’m at zero and let the desperation and rigors of homelessness turn me into a man? I know I’ve got to at some point.

  14. It's a part of the story. I am disabled , but I lived on my own in my twenties , very independent and very ambitious. It was so physically hard that after few years of daily enormous chronic pain due to illness I became so depressed and suicidal that it was very right decision to comeback to family house. I would be dead without it. Sometimes be true with yourself is accept that you loose at something and you should lesser your ambitions.

  15. yeah but what if your father is like jordan peterson and really is way way smarter than you are

  16. The tyrant-slave relation can also happen in work environment. The Boss looks like a God for a new employee. But over time, the employee will grow. And at certain point, the Boss doesn't know more than the employee does.
    The God-image of the Boss need to be let go, or problems arise between both sides.

  17. I’m 25 and still living at home.. but it’s just hard for me to move out because I actually have a great relationship with my parents. And if I move I have to go somewhere that’s very far away. Tough choice

  18. It is logical that your parents' opinions matter more to you than the opinions of your parents' friends does. Their opinions will most likely not affect your life nearly as much as your parents' opinions of you will. For instance, I care a lot more what my 18 yo friends think of me than some random 50 year-old that kinda knows my mom. Nothing to do with a God image upon my friends or my parents. Just that the opinions of people that will affect my life matters more to me.

  19. Well, i think about what my parents think about me caouse, i live in house for which they pay, i see them everyday it's kinda not best to make enemies on which you're dependent.
    (I'm teeneger FYI)

  20. He's right about learning your parents are figuring it out as they go along. It is a terrifying maturity birthing moment. It's also the beginning of a new stage of relationship with your mom and dad.

  21. Take this just one step further, and you have the perfect argument for atheism. If you can accept that it is more beneficial to one's identity to break free of the tyrannical rule of one's physical parent, the same holds true of the tyrannical rule by the mythical deity/parent figure.

  22. Ja mam trochę inne zdanie tz uważam że miłość rodzicielska jest najsilniejszym naturalnym uczuciem. Według mnie rodzice są tak naprawdę jedynymi ludźmi którzy zawsze będą chcieli dla nas wszelako pojętego dobra, więc póki żyją ich zdanie zawsze będzie dla mnie drogowskazem gdy będą mnie meczyly rozterki aczkolwiek nie są oni "bogami" lecz ludźmi więc mimo dobrych chęci będą popełniać błędy

  23. In our early 20s we all have a choice. We are like stem cells. Don't know what we are going to do, but at capable of becoming anything. We have a chance in our early 20s before we are married or in loads of college debt to take that ultimate risk whatever it may be as at this time the only thing the possible failure of this risk will effect is one person. Ourself. This can be recovered from, not later with a family or paying alimony for divorce

  24. 32 and i finally out of home ! . The bills don’t fuckn Stop when you get a mortgage ! That’s what i learnt

  25. I see his point but I also feel it’s unwise to not want to be a version of you that makes your parents proud. Maybe you don’t have to be a doctor to do that but you certainly need to make your parents happy with you. Or you’ll suffer…

  26. I didn't have a father to get under the thumb of so I feel like a majority of my worrying comes from that fact as if I'm broken because of it. It's funny because from my observations there are actually more broken individuals because of their fathers rather than the lack of fatherhood in itself. I would love any insights anyone might have who also struggled (or struggles) with this.

  27. I know we can all relate to this. Guys. Save your money. Stop going out on weekends and blowing your savings away. Save save save. And sacrifice. It's going to be hard, but discipline yourself to save your money. Make it a two-year goal to put down $25K on your own home. I know it seems like a pipe dream, but you have to start small and it eventually it grows. Stop festering in your old habits. Become the man you know you should be and save your money. Plan your future. Write it down on paper to conceptualize it. The time is going to pass anyway, so you can ask yourself, are you going to still be doing the same dumb things? Cut out the unnecessary things like spending cover at the club. Stop wasting money on drinks. Just like Peterson says, get yourself together.

  28. Every time I listen to Mr. Peterson, I’m fascinated by his brilliance yet feel so bad about myself. I readily acknowledge that I must be a weirdo. When I compare myself to my peers, I fall so short of societal norms. I’m 51 years old. Never have been in a relationship. Lived at home until I was 39. Am relatively successful financially but so grossly underdeveloped in regards to relationships in my life. Never had close friends. Always felt like an outsider. Have never loved anyone and never had anyone love me. Feel as if I’m 12 emotionally and perpetually stuck there. I fantasize about recapturing my youth yet realistically know it’s lost forever. Not that my youth was good because it wasn’t. I’m just eternally searching for a do over. Wanted it to be so different. Cannot figure out how to fix myself. Wish I could have some one on one counseling sessions with Jordan Peterson.

  29. Im 29 and I jst realised this last year. I have always been looking to have my fathers "blessing" and that was good like 9 years ago but not now. This last year have been really hard but I feel so well and things just work so well to me that its amazing hearing JP talk about this with so much detail as he was like watching me this las decade.

  30. Seeing as how I was born to immigrant parents in a different country, I’ve known more than them since I was about in the third grade.

  31. I’m 32 now and since I’m 18 I leave away from my parents. But psychologically I’m still linked to them. Not able to get my freedom ! All JP videos make sense but everytime I fail to put them in practise ! I still feel the need to speak to my parents. I’m a smart, hard working person with successfull career. But when I buy sth I ask my parents to understand which one is better. I feel like a slave/robot in life. I’m very highly agreeable and mid to high in conscientiousness. Yes I was exploited by others many times as JP warns. Indeed the my parents are still between me and unknown. I’m telling them to stop being judgemental about things be discuss but they get used to it as well. Any thing we talk they start givin advises instead of sayin “oh really? Where are you going, that sounds interesting and exciting!” This is a terrible pain. I don’t know how to break this invisible link with my dad and mom without hurting them. 🙁

  32. This is exactly my case, Im stuck in relationship with a possessive mother aged 58 years, Im 22 years old and I feel her pressure so tight to my personal life, when I go out she becomes sending millions of messages about things that She thinks Im doing, she is always exegerating always, she is a conservative while Im not, I become mature and Im responsible to my own mistakes but she insists that Im not capable of dealing my life, she always sees me as kiddo not a grown young man, this is soffucating too much and it depresses me, I may just go away and escape her craziness but I care about her because she may do suicidal things and it may degrade her health, Im stuck between being the grown independent man and being that child..

  33. Fot me and many others I knew, it was the parent who couldn't let go, always thinking their child to not have grown to make their own decisions yet.

  34. I'd be interested to hear Mr. Peterson's thoughts on father-daughter dynamics. I have an awful, chilly, distant and dismissive critical relationship with my father yet we share a space on close proximity and share an affection for my mother & sister. He resents my independence, abilities and educational path as well as my sexual choices and my close relationship with my mother. I have given up trying to appease or understand his bitterness.

  35. Earlier this year I had to acknowledge to my daughter that she had gotten further in her calculus studies than I ever did. It was a striking moment for both of us. Simultaneously sad and joyful to see her beginning to stride ahead and forge her own path. It is the ultimate mark of success as a parent – to make ourselves superfluous.

  36. Thank God for this video. I've always lived basically alone since 3rd grade in boarding and then spent the last 3 years of school in a rented room in a different city altogether. I've never liked going back to my parent's house is that i dont have the psychological independence. People think I'm weird and that i dont respect or love my parents. It's actually because i dont want that judge to be between me and the unknown. Im used to living in strange unknown places, venturing into the unknown. It may sound scary but it's actually really good for self confidence, learning and independence from other people. However i have to live with my parents for the next 2 years because of a necessary decision i took which made me join college in our city. I absolutely hate not being able to be independent. I've always wanted to be financially independent and i hope that day comes soon.

  37. Hello random people in this Great comment section! Listen, as I'm only saying this Once. I've been scrolling through these comments [and some relating threads] for a time now, and, I'm honestly disgusted at what I'm seeing. Really? You're 25+ years old Still living at home? Are you Fucking Serious? I've seen a lot of you say "oh, i just can't afford to live on my own – yet." or "i'd love to move out but i can't get a job" or, one of the greater ones; "my parents don't want me to move out – the world's a scary place!" Do you people even understand what you're saying? Listen, i understand everyone has to deal with completely different situations on a daily basis, but, here's the thing…. your prime [pertaining to life] is one of the Worst things you can Choose to waste. That's right, friend, you're Choosing to Throw it all away. There are sooo many ways you could make big money – legally, fresh out of high school. Example, hop on a boat and go fishing in Alaska, hop on a greyhound bus and go to Texas, work on an oilfield. They'll give you a place to stay, and food. Yes, you'll work 16-18 hours a day, everyday, but how BAD do you want this shit? Do you people not have a constant burning desire to Always improve your life for the better? Don't tell me "I can't." because that is a LIE. At the very least, own up to the fact that you're content with throwing your life away. Seriously, think about it.

  38. At one point in my life I realized that my parents aren't omniscient, that they aren't god. This understanding destroyed my foundation on which my life was build on. Suddenly I felt a feeling of freedom, but also fear.
    This is a very important step in life if you want to grow personally. And never forget, everyone eventually dies alone

  39. What can i do if i live in a very poor country like Argentina and it is very expensive to go to live out of our father's house, the wage is very low in our country ?

  40. When your listening to someone speak that is describing your life to the T, and yet your sitting home and he doesn’t even know who you are.
    That’s some wisdom we should take to heart, And use it to change our life.

  41. I’m so ready to move out of my parents house. Im desperate to be independent of them but I’m still a student and have no means of doing so. Thanks Jordan for providing advice and inspiration

  42. I'm going trough exactly that the symbolic death of my parente begun when o realized they didn't know what i should do with my life

  43. I respect my parents, but their opinions about me don’t matter. I take responsibility for my life, and will do what I want. My parents respect me more when I show them my individuality.

  44. It's different in every culture, but over here (usa), nobody's fit to do anything. We all just figure shit out. Usually we learn the hard way, i.e. being homeless, slaving for an employer, incurring debt, etc. We just act like we did a better job than the next generation.

  45. Come on young people just move out of your parents house, get your own jobs, makes your own decisions. This is all on you! You have no excuse. You are your own person.

  46. Everytime I listen to this , it's as if it was for the first time , I always learn something new .Wisdom never ages ♥️

  47. Your father worked like a slave for you when you where young.

    It's only fair to be a slave for him when he becomes unable

  48. I disagree

    My parents opinion matter more to me because they were the ones who raised me, and they were there for me in the good times and bad times.

    But that still doesn’t mean I cant think for myself, or make my own decisions.

    Idk I usually agree with Peterson but it sound like he’s suggesting to “distance” your self from your parents to like some how prepare your self.

    Fuck that man, enjoy your parents while you have them life is short, obviously if you live in you parents basement and your like 30 something then you need to do something about it, you need to create a bit of space between them obviously dont be extremely attached to then but dont be super unattached to them.

    Idk it depends on the people, and situation.

  49. 4:02 this is exactly what made me grow up when I was a teen. I spent my whole life under the thumb of very incompetent parents who had no idea how to live a functional life. As soon as I realized I they were as clueless as I was, I took my future into my own hands. Seven years later, now my mom will ask me for advice.

  50. Pinocchio lived for your mistakes not to appear. He lived for Jordan Peterson to refer to him all the time

  51. Jordan Peterson: how to become independent from your parent's.
    Veiwer: I'll put my parent's In a home.
    Goofey goober rock.

  52. Peterson i would say the reason you want your parents to have a good opinion of them is because they may still be benefitting from them.
    This could be through social connection and reputation or through housing and money or some other means

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