JAMES: Innocent Witches BRUCE: She is ripping her dress JAMES: Look for that on Steam ADAM: I wanna play this game BRUCE: I’d like to play Innocent Witches BRUCE: I like this a lot ADAM: There’s a guide. Oh my god, so there is a game. BRUCE: Download it. Yep. BRUCE: Uh oh. JAMES: Threats found. BRUCE: That’s not good. JAMES: Hey, Innocent Witches is downloaded. BRUCE: All right this is Wheelhaus, where there’s a website called thewheelhaus.com we spin it we play any game on Steam All of them! BRUCE: Whatever game…Whatever game pops up we play it, well not every one. Oh, by the way, I think we do have Innocent Witches JAMES: *witch cackle* JAMES: Except this is a dick and she’s riding a dick Witches realized that they were losing out on the sexy market to succubuses ADAM: I feel like Witches are hotter than Succubi. BRUCE: Yeah. Are you kidding me? [music builds] JAMES: Succubi. ADAM: Interesting. Now search sexy witch. ADAM: I’ll just do witch. JAMES: Witch. Now see the first thing that comes up. ADAM: Fuck. BRUCE: Dammit they’re not sexy at all! A-case a-closed. [click] BRUCE: See? Witches are over 18. There ya go! It says right there. ADAM: That’s a butt plug. [music] JAMES: [English accent] Hermione, I’ve got a butt plug stuck in my ass. JAMES: Enable skip to third act. Yep, yep–you want that. BRUCE: Well, hold on we gotta build up the tension first!
JAMES: You’re gonna want that. JAMES: Yeah there’s tension right now. In my dick. BRUCE: Well, that’s McGonagall sexy. BRUCE: McGonagall when she was 60 rather than 95.
JAMES: Mm-hm. Wow. Looking good. ADAM: What is she doing? JAMES: She’s pulling up her skirt! JAMES: This is a weird conversation.
BRUCE: We’re gonna have to blur that. BRUCE: We’re off to a great start. [humming Harry Potter theme]
ADAM: That was it? Aw. JAMES: I do like that the person who made this game is like Everyone in this game is over 18, you can’t sue me. And then they use all the Harry Potter themes. Leave me alone. John Williams. They’re all over 18. He’s like, I don’t care about that. You stole my music. BRUCE: Yeah, there we go. JAMES: Hog-Genital-Warts. ADAM: Oh, I can masturbate. BRUCE: There’s my favorite picture.
JAMES: He’s doing it. BRUCE: This happens at Hogwarts though. JAMES: I know, this is normal. BRUCE: Yeah I was gonna say, this is something we should not deny. JAMES: No, it’s natural.
BRUCE: The kids had to masturbate. [“America”] JAMES: If you conjure a hand… BRUCE: Right. Whose hand? JAMES: It doesn’t look like yours. JAMES: It looks like McGonagall’s hand. That’s not masturbating. Her old skeleton hand. That’s sex. JAMES: That’s sex? BRUCE: That’s sex with McGonagall. It counts as sex with her? You bet it does. JAMES: That’s like if you put on a VR thing and there’s a sex doll that looks like Kate Upton It counts as sex with Kate Upton? It does. JAMES: That’s what you tell yourself? ADAM: Masturbate. JAMES: You’re jerking off again. BRUCE: Dumbledore’s in this! BRUCE: That was from Cornelius Fudge. ADAM: The Minister of Magic himself! JAMES: Cornelius Fudgepacker. Let’s see, there’s Harry Potter. BRUCE: Well, Harry Pooter. JAMES: Which stays the same.
BRUCE: We already know Harry Pooter, yeah. JAMES: There’s Hermoanie. BRUCE: Her-moan-ie? JAMES: Yeah. Like what? JAMES: Cuz she moans when she gets laid.
BRUCE: Oh gosh. BRUCE: Ron Weasel-y. BRUCE: Because his dick’s like a weasel. JAMES: What about Rod Weasely? BRUCE: Sure, Rod Weasely, that’ll work. JAMES: Sneverus Gape, or whatever. BRUCE: Yeah yeah, Severus Gape. Severus Gape. BRUCE: Cho Bang. JAMES: Cho Bang. Nice. BRUCE: Cedric Dig-her-e. JAMES: Yeah, sure. JAMES: Neville Inherbottom. BRUCE: Neville Inherlongbottom. JAMES: There we go. Sure.
BRUCE: Is really what it is. I don’t have a list of character names in front of me. BRUCE: Albus Dumblebackdoor. But what about Ass-ass-ass-ass-ass? And then He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Named. Vulvamort. JAMES: Nice! Vulvamort! JAMES: That’s great. JAMES: That’s the best one. I was worried about that one. I wasn’t sure what I was gonna do there. JAMES: Find something to do. ADAM: Sure. BRUCE: You always click ‘Masturbate’.
JAMES: Click something other than ‘Masturbate’! ADAM: Now what do I do? JAMES: Try something other than masturbate. [Bruce laughs] ADAM: I can close the curtains. [snickers] JAMES: OK. JAMES: Now masturbate. NOW MASTURBATE. BRUCE: Click again. BRUCE: He’s finished. BRUCE: There we go, ghost. Oh there’s a g-g-g-g-ghost! BRUCE: Headless Nick? Nearly Headless Nick? BRUCE: Yeah, Nearly Headless Dick. JAMES: Nice. Yes. JAMES: He’s walking around with his dick head. JAMES: You shitting me? Class starts at 11 o’clock in fucking Hogwarts? BRUCE: That’s like Rooster Teeth hours. JAMES: Yeah I know. Jesus Christ! ELYSE: Hey, I’m sorry to interrupt. ELYSE: Autumn has something she wants to tell you. BRUCE: What’s wrong with Autumn? [robotic voiceover] I love you Bruce. You are the light of my life. BRUCE: We’re trying to play a porno. [music] JAMES: Click masturbate. BRUCE: Go get your broom fixed. ADAM: There we go. BRUCE: This is supposed to be a porno. JAMES: We’re trying to cum! And we’re getting our fucking broom fixed. JAMES: Oh, there’s a gift on your desk. BRUCE: All right, broom is fixed. Now fly out the window. BRUCE: Yes. JAMES: See ya. JAMES: Porn City, here we come. BRUCE: There we go now we’re talking. A videogame. ADAM: Where should I go? BRUCE: Somewhere hot. BRUCE: And sexy. All right. Where’s Slytherin? Hufflepuff are the real freaks and geeks. BRUCE: All right, all the way to Hufflepuff. BRUCE: Hufflemuff. JAMES: Hufflemuff. BRUCE: I should re-establish that Wheelhaus– JAMES: Go to your hou– ADAM: Maybe I have to talk to Filch?
JAMES: No. BRUCE: Wheelhaus is a show that you spin the wheel and you play every game on Steam. JAMES: Click the clock. ADAM: And just what? BRUCE: There! [knock-knock] ADAM, BRUCE: She’s knocking! JAMES: Open the door! BRUCE: Click back. BRUCE: Oh my gosh.
ADAM: There it is. BRUCE: Allow to leave? JAMES: No, you may not! BRUCE: Ah, of course I should summon you later. ADAM: Don’t! BRUCE: Why–
JAMES: It’s just him at the door. BRUCE: I blew it again! ADAM: Oh, here we go. Okay. ADAM: So I need to write a letter to Snape ADAM: And then I go to Snape clock. BRUCE: Oh. JAMES: [nasally] What did you need? BRUCE: Why do they keep calling you Sally? JAMES: There we go now we’re going! BRUCE: Finally. ADAM: Gotcha. JAMES: [nasally] So you want to masturbate? ADAM: That was it? JAMES: [nasally] I will help you with that.
ADAM: I’ll write him again. BRUCE: All right. He’ll come tomorrow. ADAM: He’s here. I’m back. [laughs] And I’ve brought the lube. JAMES: I feel bad for people who started jerking off to that butt plug image. Now they’re… BRUCE: Totally soft. BRUCE: Fly out again. [James snorts] BRUCE: There’s gotta be something here that we’re missing.
JAMES: There’s nothing! You’re not doing the right thing. This is your fault. ADAM: Here’s a video. JAMES: This is not the same game. ADAM: Well cuz we skipped ahead to chapter four to where there’d be fucking. BRUCE: Maybe that’s the problem. We skipped all the stuff. BRUCE: We would know what to do if we hadn’t skipped it. Start over. From the top. ADAM: Is there new? JAMES: New game on the right. ADAM: New game plus. ADAM: Azkaban! BRUCE: Is that Vulvamort? ADAM: Did you guys do Sirius Blackdick? BRUCE: No we didn’t. That’s really good. That’s really really good. BRUCE: Professor Poopin. Instead of Lupin Bella Turnatrick. BRUCE, JAMES: Bella Turnatricks. BRUCE: Bellatrix Le Strange Pussy. JAMES: Eugh. JAMES: We did it! BRUCE: Oh whoops! ADAM: Magic. JAMES: Buttorbeer. BRUCE: Buttorbeer. ADAM: Fuckbeak. ADAM: Did we do that?
JAMES: Nice. BRUCE: Gryfuckdor. JAMES: Nice. JAMES: Slytherin? BRUCE: Filius Clitwick. BRUCE: Nice.
JAMES: Ugh. ADAM: Muffgrid. JAMES: Yeah. Muffgrid. BRUCE: Rubeus Muffgrid. No it’s Rubeus Gagrid, guys. Come on. Remember I wanna reiterate what Wheelhaus is. We spin the wheel and then whatever Steam game it lands on we play. ADAM: Hello, I’m over 18 nice to meet you. BRUCE: They definitely are 100% it said at the beginning JAMES: Yep. It said so. JAMES: And if the person who created Harry Potter said so it’s true. BRUCE: JK Rowlick. Ugh. BRUCE: Grindelbald. JAMES: Okay. BRUCE: Like bald pussy. Come on.
JAMES: Yeah, yeah. BRUCE: Grindelbald pussy. JAMES: Okay. JAMES: Lucius mouthful. BRUCE: Oh, that’s really good. JAMES: Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Bone. BRUCE: Nice JAMES: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secretions. BRUCE: Eugh! JAMES: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkabang. BRUCE: Uh-huh. JAMES: Ass to bang? JAMES: The Prisoner with an Ass to Bang. JAMES: Harry Potter and the… The Goblet of Cum. BRUCE: All right yeah why not? JAMES: Harry Potter and the… JAMES: Order of Penis. BRUCE: Okay. Yeah. BRUCE: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood– JAMES: Half-Chub Prince. BRUCE: Half-Chub Prince is way better. JAMES: And Harry Potter and the Deathly Swallows ADAM: Part 1 and Part 2. JAMES: Part 1 and Part 2. JAMES: Oh look at her she’s so edgy. BRUCE: Don’t talk to Snape talk to a hot chick. JAMES: Ravenclaw girls are the best. [door slams] BRUCE: FUCK. BRUCE: Shit. JAMES: [nasally] Is there–
[normally] Oh! ADAM: What? JAMES: The painting. JAMES: It’s alive! JAMES: Remember when John Cleese or whatever took his dick out? ADAM: Hello. ADAM: Okay, getting some animation here. BRUCE: Hold on there something’s happening. JAMES: It’s called love. BRUCE: All right, here we go. Yep now we’re talking JAMES: Yes, why is it all black? BRUCE: Damn, what an ass she got. [laughs] JAMES: Classic wizarding language. ADAM: Oh okay here we go. BRUCE: Oh wow a game! JAMES: Magic it is then. ADAM: Okay, I can take off her heels– let’s just do this. ADAM: There we go. BRUCE: Whoa eugh gross. I am the Sorting Puss. JAMES: She sits on your face and then she tells you what house you belong in. [squelch] Slytherin. ADAM, JAMES: Put the wand in her pussy. JAMES: Take off her heels. BRUCE: Yeah, take off her heels first. JAMES: Wait, did you go to her asshole first? BRUCE: At least treat her like a–
[squelch] JAMES: DUDE. ADAM: Wingardium leviosa. Hold on I need to just wash my wand real quick. I don’t want to get a disease. [squelch] ADAM: Bleugh. Adam went ‘bleugh.’ JAMES: It’s like they’re jimmying open a lock. JAMES: What are the other things? you have other buttons up there, dawg. ADAM: A sad man. ADAM: Oh. Uh, mean. BRUCE: No, don’t be mean. BRUCE: All right, stick it in her butt. ADAM: Comment on ass, okay JAMES: Oh. She’s wet. [squelch] Ew. Ugh. Eugh. BRUCE: A spankable ass. Use your hand. ADAM: Yep hand and then grope. ADAM: There it is. BRUCE: Such velvety skin? BRUCE: Are you supposed to have velvety skin? Feels like leather left out in the sun. [squelch] ADAM: There we go. JAMES: Beep. Boop. JAMES: Comment on her ass. BRUCE: Mm-hmm, right good. JAMES: And now grab her ass. You like that. JAMES: Now… JAMES: Wait, wait. BRUCE: There’s something in the series that you have to do. JAMES: Yeah, there’s something here. ADAM: So I just grope again? JAMES: No. BRUCE: Can you groop her boobs? ADAM: You say groop? BRUCE: All right well then grab her butt and then stick it in the pussy. [laughs] BRUCE: And then see what happens. BRUCE: Wand. [squelch] ADAM: Good job. Bruce is the ladies’ man. BRUCE: Bruce is the ladies’ man. ADAM: Deeper. ADAM: What?
JAMES: Too much! JAMES: Just– *toot toot* ADAM: How much longer do you want– can I pee and then come back? BRUCE, JAMES: No. ADAM: FUCK. BRUCE: Finish this. ADAM: Bladder’s killing me! BRUCE: Almost done, almost done.
JAMES: Ram her ass. ADAM: Can I please go to the bathroom? JAMES: Fine.
ADAM: I’m sorry. JAMES: There it is! ADAM: Okay, wait ADAM: There it is. Okay. ADAM: Oh he loves Batman! JAMES: So now you gotta grab her ass again. ADAM: Here you guys take over for a sec. BRUCE: All right, you go ahead, James.
JAMES: Fine. BRUCE: Get in there BRUCE: Finish this up. I just remembered I want to say Wheelhaus is a show where we spin the wheel and we play every game on Steam, just so everybody’s aware. So what are you doing with your dick? ADAM: Hey. ADAM: Good-bye, wand. JAMES: Gotcha! ADAM: Expelliarmus. JAMES: She’s all green! JAMES: Oh, look his wand’s purple. ADAM: Now take your dick out. BRUCE: No.
JAMES: Dammit! ADAM: Don’t you dare. JAMES: I lost my purple wand-ness. BRUCE: Oh, you DID lose your purple wand-ness. When you get purple wand I think it just means cum in your pants. I’m not joking. ADAM: No, stay away from my holes. JAMES: She doesn’t want it in any of her holes so I gotta comment on her looks. JAMES: Uh you’re pretty or whatever. You don’t look like a skeleton wearing skin. [squelch] JAMES: Hi-yah. Ha-ha! JAMES: Riposte! ADAM: I don’t know if you wanna go deeper though. JAMES: Should I take it out? ADAM: Yeah. JAMES: Very well. ADAM: Now in her butt. JAMES: Now here. JAMES: Let’s return to your sweet buns. JAMES: Ha-ha! BRUCE: And parry! JAMES: Thrust! JAMES: I’ll need to put it back in? ADAM: I don’t know. BRUCE: I don’t know that you should go ass to pussy. JAMES: She looks like she’s into it. BRUCE: She does like it.
ADAM: You can try. JAMES: One more! No! Curse you, witch! ADAM: Now put it in her pussy. Hey-yah! Comment on her ass. Now stick it in her pussy. Why can’t you put in her pussy? Now switch to wand. Pussy. ADAM: DAMMIT. Talk about how British she is. You have nice old hair. Grab the ass angrily. I’ve got bad news, guys. We’ve been playing this for an hour and fifteen minutes. We’re going longer. JAMES: Ha-hah!
[squelch] JAMES: Okay, so now she’s ready. ADAM: Now put the wand in her pussy. BRUCE: [laughs] Every time. ADAM: And then deeper. [squelch] DAMMIT. BRUCE: We gotta stop. ADAM: Can’t stop now. Don’t forget Wheelhaus is a show where we spin the wheel and we play any game on Steam. Gimme your butt! ADAM: You need to buy a new wand. Hopefully it’s dishwasher safe.