America Totally Dominated the Olympics, Scandals Included

America Totally Dominated the Olympics, Scandals Included


IT’S GREAT TO BE BACK, AND I
JUST WANT TO START OUT TONIGHT BY SAYING, U.S.A. NUMBER ONE! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
U.SU.S.A.! MY FAVORITE MOB, MINDLESS. WHY ARE WE CHANTING? BECAUSE AMERICA JUST
DOMINATED THE 2016 OLYMPICS! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THAT’S RIGHT, WE KILLED IT. THE OLYMPICS ARE A TIME THAT THE
WHOLE WORLD COMES TOGETHER AND COMPETES IN
THE SPIRIT OF BROTHERHOOD AND GOODWILL, SO LET ME BE THE FIRST
TO SAY: SUCK IT, WORLD! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
SUCK IT IN RECORD TIME! WE GOT 121 MEDALS! AND I’M NOT SURPRISED. I WATCHED THE GAMES HERE IN THE
STATES, CAN’T REMEMBER THE CHANNEL, AND FROM WHAT I SAW,
APPARENTLY, ONLY AMERICANS COMPETED. AMERICANS, AND USAIN BOLT. OF COURSE. HE’S AN HONORARY AMERICAN,
BECAUSE JAMAICA IS BASICALLY TROPICAL COLORADO. NOT ONLY DID AMERICA LEAD THE
OVERALL MEDAL COUNT, WE WON THE MOST GOLD MEDALS, THE MOST
SILVER MEDALS, AND THE MOST BRONZE MEDALS. WHICH MEANS WE’RE NOT ONLY
NUMBER ONE, WE’RE ALSO NUMBER ONE AT BEING TWO AND THREE! LAUG(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
WE’RE NUMBER SIX! I THINK. I THINK THAT’S MATH. AND THE MAJORITY OF THOSE
AMERICAN MEDALS WERE WON BY FEMALE ATHLETES. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
NICE. SO, BOYS, NEXT TIME SOMEBODY ON
THE PLAYGROUND SAYS YOU THROW LIKE A GIRL, SAY “THANK YOU.” (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
OVER TWO DOZEN OF THOSE MEDALS WERE WON BY AFRICAN-AMERICAN
WOMEN, AND ON TWITTER PEOPLE CELEBRATED THAT WITH THE HASHTAG
#BLACKGIRLMAGIC. WHICH I GUESS WAS EASIER TO TYPE
THAN HASHTAG #BLACKGIRLHARDWORKANDDEDICATION. I DON’T KNOW. (LAUGHTER)
BUT THE BIG STORY WAS RYAN LOCHTE, HASHTAG #FRATBOYTRAGIC,
— HE’S FUN — (LAUGHTER)
AND HIS MADE-UP STORY ABOUT HE AND THREE OTHER SWIMMERS BEING
ROBBED AT GUNPOINT IN BRAZIL. TURNS OUT THEY WEREN’T ROBBED,
THEY JUST HAD A CONFRONTATION WITH SECURITY GUARDS AFTER THEY
DRUNKENLY STOPPED AT A GAS STATION, BROKE SOME STUFF, AND
URINATED ON THE BUILDING. I JUST WANT TO SAY —
GUYS, YOU STOPPED AT A GAS STATION FOR A PEE BREAK? C’MON, YOU’RE OLYMPIC SWIMMERS,
YOU SPEND 90% OF YOUR LIVES IN PUBLIC POOLS. THAT’S WHAT THE CHLORINE’S FOR. COME ON. WE’RE ALL ADULTS. BUT LOCHTE SAID HE DIDN’T LIE
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED. HE HAS A SIMPLE AND REPEATABLE
EXPLANATION.>>I OVER-EXAGGERATED THE STORY. I OVER-EXAGGERATED. I OVER-EXAGGERATED SOME PARTS. MY MISTAKE WAS
OVER-EXAGGERATING. WHAT REALLY HAPPENED.>>YOU WEREN’T LYING?>>I WASN’T LYING TO A CERTAIN
EXTENT. I OVERE-EXAGGERATED WHAT WAS
HAPPENED.>>STEPHEN: HE
“OVER-EXAGGERATED.” EXAMPLE: IF HE SAID HE
UNDERSTOOD WHAT THE WORD “LIE” MEANS, THAT WOULD BE A BIT OF AN
OVER-EXAGGERATION. (APPLAUSE)
I THINK WE’RE APPLAUDING LYING. I’M NOT ENTIRELY SURE. (LAUGHTER)
AND, NOW, THE WHOLE WORLD THINKS OF RYAN LOCHTE AS THAT CRAZY
AMERICAN WITH WEIRD HAIR WHO KEEPS ON MAKING STUFF UP AND
CAUSING AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT, WHICH IS NOT HOW AN
OLYMPIAN ACTS, THAT’S HOW A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE ACTS. (LAUGHTER)
GET IT STRAIGHT! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I GOT, LIKE, HALF A SUPERMAN GOING ON TONIGHT. I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON
THERE. DON’T TELL ANYBODY. (LAUGHTER)
AND, TODAY, LOCHTE LOST ALL FOUR OF HIS SPONSORS, INCLUDING
SPEEDO. YEAH. AND THAT’S GOT TO HURT, BECAUSE
THEY’VE BEEN HIS BIGGEST SUPPORTER– WELL, NOT BIGGEST,
BUT CRUCIAL. (LAUGHTER)
SPEAKING OF, SHALL WE SAY… THE BATHING SUIT AREA, CHECK OUT
JAPANESE POLE VAULTER HIROKI OGITA’S FAILED ATTEMPT AT
QUALIFYING. HE GOES UP, HITS THE BAR WITH
HIS LEG, SHOULD BE FINE, COMING DOWN AND… BOOM! HE KNOCKS THE BAR OFF WITH A
CLUNK OF HIS JUNK! THERE IT IS. OH, THAT POOR MAN. CAN YOU IMAGINE IN
JUST THINK, FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE, HE’LL HAVE TO TELL
EVERYONE, “YEAH, I WENT TO THE OLYMPICS, BUT I DIDN’T WIN GOLD
BECAUSE MY (BLEEP) IS TOO BIG. (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE) WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? (LAUGHTER)
YOU WIN SOME, YOU WIN — YOU WIN. (LAUGHTER)
ANOTHER OLYMPIC OOPSY DAISY WAS BULGARIAN RHYTHMIC GYMNAST
NEVIANA VLADINOVA, WHO DANCED HER HOOP ROUTINE TO THE THEME
FROM “SCHINDLER’S LIST.” COME ON, RHYTHMIC GYMNASTS,
DON’T DRAG “SCHINDLER’S LIST” INTO THIS. GROWN ADULTS PLAYING WITH
RIBBONS AND HOOPS IS SAD ENOUGH. (LAUGHTER)
LITERALLY ANY OTHER SONG WOULD HAVE BEEN A BETTER CHOICE. LIKE SHE COULD HAVE USED
TITANIC. NOT THE MUSIC, JUST THE SOUND OF
THE SHIP GOING DOWN. (SINKING SHIP SOUNDS)
YOU WANT SOME HAPPY MUSIC? SAY HI TO MY FELLOW MUSICIANS
JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN! ( BAND PLAYING )
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

100 Replies to “America Totally Dominated the Olympics, Scandals Included”

  1. At least you guys won medal our stupid Australian athletes could not even get 10 Golds well done UK and USA you are truly winners in every aspect of life other countries like my backwatered place could learn a thing or twoyou should not try you should win

  2. Well the US did have almost twice as many competitors entered than the UK so that certainly helps.
    But really the UK are the real winners here coming from a tiny little island and still beating China into second place.

  3. Great Britain won 0.425 gold medals per million people. US won 0.143 per million people and China only 0.0191 per million people.

  4. The Olympics are when the world puts their differences aside to come together – AND DECIDE WHO IS BEST IN GLADIATORIAL GAMES!

  5. Just because the U.S. has more Olympians does not mean we're going to have more metals. We got more medals because we have amazing Olympians. Look at our swimming team. Freaking Ledecky, Phelps, Adrian, Lochte are fantastic. Most of our swimming medals were won because of those four.

  6. I know it's a joke, but the females won against other females. Not sure how that translates into a thank you for "throw like a girl".

  7. Many of the athletes in the USA team are descended from other countries, many are black athletes whom descended from African slaves. USA has a population of about 323 million compared to Great Britain's estimated 65 million – nearly FIVE TIMES the population. Look at the medal tally and divide the medals won by the population and you will see that Great Britain performed much better than the USA in terms of medals won per-capita. In fact a performance of about 270% better (2.7 times better). China performed very poorly at these games…

  8. I don't see the problem in dancing on the music from Schindler's List… it's a beautiful score and doing something as graceful as rhythmic gymnastics accompanied by it seems pretty appropriate to me. And your Bulgarian accent sucks.

  9. F you because math, The EU is only ever one thing when they count medals (all the other times: f the EU!), and Japanese dude's dick.

    There. I just saved you the trouble of reading this comment section. Have a nice day : )

  10. Stephen, you oaf! A bit of nationalism here and there is fine, but ignorant nationalism is not. US got destroyed at the olympics: http://www.medalspercapita.com/#weighted-per-capita:2016

  11. +Dominated"_ the Olympics?
    Team GB achieved half as many medals, from a population 1/7th the size.
    Done by medals per capita, you are also beaten by Denmark and New Zealand… Team GB also beat China, despite their population of over a billion.
    Team GB also won gold medals in more sports then team USA did.

    So suck it USA.

  12. For those idiotic morons who are insisting with thks BS medals per capita by population size (some of these are from the uk… lol)… do you realize idiot that per capita basis by population is NOT Applicable and Reliabe metrics for olympic medals since olympics medals are somewhat limited due to limited number of events set by IOC… imagine, china, india and other countries with huge population needs about 1,000~10,000 medals to top this per capita by population hence it's impossible to achieve since every olympics we have more or less 306 events x (3 medals, gold,.silver, bronze) = 918 medals… get it moron…..

  13. I think small countries enjoy wining anything more than the similar top 10. Why? It's unusual, refreshing, everyone feels proud and know the name. I live in the US, but I go for smaller countries. Especially first medalist.

  14. hey Mr. Cobert , please understand that not every name ending with "ov" or "ova" is Russian, thus your impression looks poorly placed.

  15. fucking Government Puppet is what you are… America Number 1 !! .. in Education? NOO in Healthcare? NOO
    America is the number dumb!!! America is the best at INVADING POOR COUNTRIES

  16. "America won most gold medals": WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    "We also won most silver and bronze: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    "And most were won by females" WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
    "And half of them were african american"……Wooooooooo

  17. I always wonder why we make so much fuss about how many medals we win in sport. Does it prove that "my country is better than yours" in any meaningful way?

  18. Stephen fails at logic. The women won more medals – against other women. Throwing like a girl would still suck if you're a man competing against other men, because you'd never win another match.

  19. Some really jealous, dumb ass people in the comments. AMERICA WON! Get over it? Do you realize how pathetic it is saying "well per capita…" like are you serious? Are you that bitter and desperate that you have to try to take away from America's success? Lmaoo we fucking WON. Suck it world. 😉

  20. Shame on American. Just look the scandal for WADA. Many American athletes are illegal drug user, just behind the veil, including Simone Biles.

  21. So much for the idea of fraternal and sisterly competition…nah, it's just a dick/tit measuring contest, with the cock and boobs being medals. Pathetic.

  22. Ryan Lochte scandals was exactly what Brazilian media needed to cover all the bad news about the Olympics it tried so hard to hide.

  23. I think they should have cricket in the next Olympics,maybe then India could win at least more than 10 medals. 🙂

  24. I started rolling my eyes just when they started chanting usa!!! usa!!! U americans don't give a shit about ur country otherwise donald trump's crusty ass wouldn't be sitting in the oval ofice
    Patriotism my ass

  25. so funny how the Americans pump their chests. Oh man the downfall's gonna be so damn cruel for you guys… Already happening and you do not even see it. I'll take Trump's sentence: Make America Break again.

  26. Its so funny wstching all the foreigners cry. Gotta love all the tears. Dont worry you may beat the US….In 4036 lol. Damn we even own you militarily

  27. …They can't show a guy saying "shit" or "asshole", but they're fine with a slo-mo shot of a man whacking a pole-vaulting bar down with a stroke of his dong? As long as the dong is clothed, I guess…? Through what moonsilver-lensed goggles does this moral dividing line make the slightest bit of sense?^^;;

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